End The Backlog

Earlier this week I participated in a blog carnival for the Joyful Heart Foundation called The World I Want For My Daughter. The purpose was to raise awareness about the rape kit backlog.

To learn more about how you can end the rape kit backlog, 

please watch this video and visit www.endthebacklog.org

Thank you!

The World I Want For My Daughter

We all have dreams for our children. Things that we want them to have and experience. When my daughter, Katarina, was born I was so excited for her to sit up, say her first word, and start walking. I wanted her to learn to read and see the light of discovery in her eyes. 

Now Katarina is seven years old, and I want her world to be filled with laughter, art, books, friendship, imagination, clubhouses, huge dreams, fairies, silly hairstyles, running barefoot through the grass, butterflies, cuddles, hugs, smiles, dancing, learning - the world wide open in every direction just waiting to be explored and conquered. I want her to never know pain, but when pain does come, I want her to grow and learn and work through it with support and love.  I want her to be assertive. I want her to stand up for herself if necessary. 


I want her to be safe. I take every precaution possible to teach her about safety, to empower her with words to use if someone was to inappropriately touch her.  I prepare her for what to do in an emergency. I teach her about life and people and answer her questions honestly. The world is a huge place when you are seven years old and it is my job to help her learn to navigate through it. 

As she gets older, I know that things will change. My dreams and goals for her will change, and so will the ones that she has for herself. I mentioned to my husband that I was writing about the world I want for our daughter and he quickly weighed in with his desire - a 30 foot wall with barbed wire on top to keep all bad guys out and keep her safely inside. He was kidding, sort of. Of course that is excessive. 25 feet should be enough, don't you think?

I know that one day she will grow up and we won't be able to be with her every day. We can't really lock her behind a wall, nor would I. I want her to have a life lived fully. I can't keep every bad thing away from her, or fix every problem. I can teach her and love her and send her out into the world trusting that she is smart and capable and prepared. I can pray for her and trust that God has his hand on her life. 


To do that I will have to let go. Let her find her own way......as much as possible I want that path she takes to be filled with love, laughter, dancing, learning, smiling, friendship, huge dreams (some things never change). Marriage. A family. I want her always to be hopeful. Strong. Able to tackle anything that comes her way. Soft. Able to love deeply with a heart full of compassion and grace. Beautiful. Able to love herself without any body image issues. Adventurous. Able to find the fun in every experience and turn even the smallest moments into something special.


There are so many other things that I want for my daughter. I dream a perfect world for her, but unfortunately I can't guarantee that. I hold all these dreams in my heart and they spill out, not just to my daughter, but to all daughters and sons.

Why am I writing about this? “The World I Want For My Children” is an effort to support The Joyful Heart Foundation, which was founded by Law & Order: SVU actress Mariska Hargitay to help victims of sexual assault  and domestic violence mend their minds, bodies and spirits and reclaim their lives.  Today, the foundation is at the forefront of an effort to end a disheartening backlog of tens of thousands of rape kits in labs across the country, a backlog that contributes to a rapist’s 80 percent chance of getting away with his crime.  The backlog and its detrimental effects will be the topic of a powerful SVU episode on Wednesday, September 29^th.

As a child I was sexually abused. I didn't speak out until I was an adult, and by then my abuser had already died. I never got the chance to confront him, to make a police statement, to see a prosecution come down, to receive justice of any kind. That fact will always be like a hole in my heart. 


Each one of the estimated 200,000 untested rape kits across the country represents a woman, man, or child who was the victim of sexual violence and then did the courageous thing of reporting it, and submitted themselves to a rape kit, only to have it sit, untouched, on a shelf for years and years. Never processed, never tested. Evidence that could give the state what they need to catch and prosecute a rapist, and it isn't even entered into a computer system. It breaks my heart to think of these courageous survivors being passed over by the legal system due to lack of funding.


One day I want a world where crimes of sexual violence no longer happen. Until then, I demand a world where these crimes are taken seriously and every rape kit is tested and entered into evidence with the hopes of catching and convicting rapists. Anything less than that is an unacceptable world for victims, survivors, and all of our daughters and sons. 


Please help us raise awareness for this important work. What kind of world do you want for your children? Write your post and link up here. 

A Happy Ending And Other Stories

Fragment O'First - Things Katarina Says 
~Katarina, "Mom, you need to come over here and see this surprise I have for you."

Tracie, "Is it a project surprise, or a picture surprise, or some other kind of surprise?"

Katarina, "If I tell you what it is, it would not be a surprise. Just a prise. Don't loose the 'sur', come see it for yourself."

Fragment O'Second - Birthiversary

~I'm part of a group on facebook called We Support Mackenzie Phillips & All Survivors Speaking Out Against Abuse. Today marks one year since this group was created. It's a birthday. It's an anniversary. It's a Birthiversary. It started as a way to show support for Mackenzie Phillips when she spoke out about abuse and turned into a real community of survivors. 

When my friend Meggs wrote about the birthiversary on her blog, she talked about what she has learned over the last year. This one really hit my heart, "Blood may be thicker than water, but it's not thicker than the tears you've shed with your fellow survivors. I can choose my family."

Fragments O'Third - Kathy Bates
~I watched the season seven premier of The Office last night. Did you? I was happy to see Kathy Bates was still there. I just love her. I was not sure about them having a famous actor come into the cast last year, but when it turned out to be Kathy I was excited.

I would watch Kathy Bates even if she-

• put a tinfoil hat on her head
• walked out in her front yard 
• did an alien summoning dance
• filmed it 
• called it a documentary 
• and then renamed herself "Schmeel-shoriffish"

That is how much I love her.

Fragments O'Forth - My Sad Story Gets A Happy Ending
~Last week I told you my sad story about pencils. Just because my name is spelled different, when teachers would buy personalized pencils for every kid in the class, I would get a blank one. No name. Very sad.

There was one year that I didn't mention. Fourth Grade I got a pencil with my name, spelled Tracy. My mom tried to console me by saying, "At least she tried. It is close to your name." I should have spelled words wrong on a spelling test (actually, I did do that all the time) and then challenge my grade by telling the teacher and my mom, "At least I tried. It was close".

But all those blank pencil memories have changed as of today.

Today they have a happy ending.

My fabulous friend Diana told me that there was a package coming for me. It arrived this afternoon and what was in it?

Every single one of those pencils has my full name on it! 

Spelled correctly!

She also sent a pack of pencils with Katarina's name.

My inner child and my outward adult are now very happy.
Thank You Diana!!

Fragment O'Fifth - Sweater-y Shirt
~When I went to the office to pick up my mail, I was wearing that sweater-y shirt. It is strange. Short sleeves, yet still kind of a sweater. The guy asked me if I thought it was winter outside. I told him that I am singlehandedly bringing in fall with my cold weather clothes and high expectations. He didn't seem impressed.

More Friday Fragments can be found at Mrs.4444's place, Half-Past Kissin' Time.

Smiles and Laughter

This week the Raw(e) Photo Challenge is Smiles and Laughter. 

I have shared these two pictures in the past, but they are the first ones I thought of when I saw the assignment.

Katarina's smile makes me smile everyday.

(The missing teeth are the best part!)

This is laughter, and it is contagious. 

(Especially before a movie starts when we should be quieting down!)

More unedited pictures full of smiles and laughter can be found at 

Sailor & Company.

I Have Been Cheating On You

Yes, I'm talking to you dear reader. I cheated on you this week. 

I cheated with... 

the outside. 

Sometimes it is necessary to pull myself away from the comforting blue glow of the computer screen and visit the outside....where there is grass and trees, and this thing called the sun. I know. I was shocked too. This sun thing comes out every day and gives light. Crazy.

Katarina and I have gone to work with Thomas a couple of times this week. Going to work with him means that Katarina gets to drag tree limbs around and I get to sit outside and read a book or take pictures. On Monday it was these Lemon Eucalyptus trees that caught my eye and pulled me out of my book. They are fabulous. The bark is strangely smooth. The homeschool mom in me also feels compelled to tell you that they come from Australia and the leaves do indeed smell lemony in the very best way. I"m sure you were wondering.

I cheated on you with Tinkerbell.

Tinkerbell and the Great Fairy Rescue came out on dvd yesterday. I might have forgotten that it was coming out, except for the fact that Katarina had it marked on the calendar and has been doing the daily countdown for three weeks.

I'll admit it right now. I loved it! Every single fairy-filled second of this movie made me smile. Last year when Tinkerbell and The Lost Treasure came out, I was disappointed that there wasn't enough time with the other fairies, but this one had a good mix of Tinkerbell, fairy friends, and adventure. Sometimes a fun cartoon is just what I need to brighten up my day.

*Disclaimer-I was not payed by Disney to talk about Tinkerbell. I do that out of a place of love. If they would like to send some kitchen fairies over from Pixie Hollow to make dinner, I wouldn't send them away. Also if some fairies want to teach me how to fly to London, I would be okay with that too. Email me fairies, let's set something up.*

Finding Hope

A couple of weeks ago we were at Chili's and I couldn't resist making Katarina scrunch down for a picture. I think it comes from a lifetime of never finding my name (at least not spelled correctly) on anything.

*cue violins*....When I was a kid, my teachers would buy pencils, stickers, or other things with each kid's name on them.  I always ended up with a blank one. I'm not sure I have ever gotten over those blank pencils.

Katarina isn't considered a common name either, but her middle name is Hope, and it can be found in lots of fun places. That day it was a sidewalk.

I've had hope on my mind the last couple of days.  It is out there, hiding where you might least expect it, or sometimes where you most want to find it. I have found it in my daughter's smile - In a group of women who hold me up and support me - In my husband who continues to dream big and believe no matter what - In Jesus who loves me.  I'm blessed to have hope in my life.

Hope is all around. Where have you found it?

All these colored peppers represent a donation to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. Each donation is a bit of hope in the lives of children fighting diseases they should never have to fight.


More pictures with letters can be found at Thematic Photography!

When Is It Time To Change Careers

It is definitely time for a career change when going to work terrifies you. 

I saw this guy preforming at an art festival a while back and snapped some pictures.....once I got this one on my computer I realized that he does not seem to be enjoying his work.  What do you think, time for a career change?

Feel free to throw out some captions! What do you think is going through his mind?

The Bunny and The Haiku

I have a budding poet on my hands. Katarina has been composing poetry for the last couple of weeks. It is very sweet. I have never composed poetry. I wrote some poems in school, under threat of failing grades from my teachers. I don't really count those as poetry though, and I certainly wouldn't call it composing. They could more accurately be described as clumps of English words that rhymed uncomfortably.

Tonight I was longing for fall. Thinking of movies and television shows with great fall moments in them. Yes, sometimes I watch movies for the background scenery, don't judge. I was hit with a sudden desire to break out in poetry. To bring out the perfect mix of longing and love and fall-ness and package it in a neat verse.

This is not that, but it is a haiku....of sorts. I'm not sure if all the other haikus would accept it as one of them, they might try to push it off on the narrative poems and run away. The narrative poems would then sniff haughtily and rhyme at one another about roses and girls named Evangeline, neatly ignoring this little non-haiku-narrative. But somewhere there would be a bunny (Isn't there always a bunny? - A brown bunny with very long ears, a pink nose, and a fluffy ball of a tail) that would see my haiku sitting there on a cold bench surrounded by crunchy red leaves and snuggle up next to her new friend for a nap under gently moving clouds.

You, dear readers are the bunny. See? Aren't you cute? And this is your new friend....

I love the fall rain

Leaves tumble down upon me

Quick! Hide the rake. Crunch.

 

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In case you missed the big news I bought my own domain this weekend! Yay! If any of you fabulous folks have a link to me wandering around your blog, please catch it and change it over. Thanks for that! Hopefully I didn't loose anyone in the transition, I suppose if you saw me today in your reader, or inbox, or dashboard, then you are stalking me still with me. Whew! I was so scared that changing that domain over was going to cause some sort of blog explosion. Thanks to Cluttered Brain for writing that great guest post for me last weekend so that I could spend my time preparing the explosion-proof bunker just in case, and thanks to all of you who answered my many questions about domains.

Changing Domain Names

I took the plunge....I bought my own domain. Now I'm trying to make sure that everything works right.

This is a test.

*Please work! Please work!*

And Now For Something Completely Cluttered

A message from the wonderful Cluttered Brain:

Howdy folks! I sent myself to the rescue of this blog. You see my lovely friend and blog pal From Tracie has LOST her muse. And I have sent myself to guest post for her today while she looks for it.  It's that or Google Chrome changes might kill her in the middle of the night. So here I am.

I want to talk somewhat about Facebook chats.

When I get on Facebook, I usually check for a couple of things first. I scroll through the status updates, ignoring ALL the Facebook games requests and junk like that. I comment on the witty updates. I "Oooh" and "Aww" my friend's kids. Then I check my profile. Any new comments? Then I compose a witty status update myself.

And since I am ALWAYS funny, people always laugh and comment at ALL my updates. LOL.  <---Yeah, right. Just most of the time, that's all. Well, err...uh...I hope people want to comment. It makes my day when they feel prompted to comment. :)

I use Facebook to mainly keep in touch with my immediate family. All the rest of my friends are an added bonus. YAY for me, right?

I also wanted to talk about Facebook chats. They are fun, right? Yeah, I love partying with my blog friends, Angel and Tracie of course...

Facebook chats can be parties on other's walls (so many comments that you get confused by each and every line of thought) OR private FB message chats with the little pop up window... You all know...

BUT I also like to Skype with my blog friends. I mean Skype it's like a phone call but LIVE and in COLOR. What better way to get to know someone than through video, right?

Anyway, I totally knew where I was going with this post when I started but it has taken me 30 minutes to write...between monitoring homework, and the boys outside my house (a 7th grader is chatting it up with my daughter) AND giving out snacks plus writing this guest post for Tracie...It's no wonder my brain remains cluttered.

Crushes? You remember them? I wrote about my crushes all in my journal. I didn't change. I always liked boys. Sometimes they liked me. And sometimes, they didn't even know I was even alive. One boy, who was even in my grade but different high school, totally dissed me for a girl 2 years younger then me! Seriously, what is it with boys and dating girls that are younger than them? Especially in high school. My opinion on that? I think it is because boys mature slower than girls and by dating girls younger than them they feel those girls are more on their lever. :)

Am I right?

Ya, I thought so.

Well due to the many directions my brain is running I have to close this lovely guest post.

Feel free to check out more of Tracie's posts though.

You can always send a tweet to her--> @fromtracie Or me @clutteredbrain.

We are always around and LOVE a good laugh! :)

Oh and isn't is so cool what Tracie does for others? I love the fact she stands up for what she believes (NO abuse of ANY kind is all right.) And that peace butterfly LOVE she has on her arm just totally rocks. (I believe she did this in honor of National Suicide prevention week.)

Tracie. Read her blog.

Tweet with her.

She really is all that. :)

Cluttered Brain

Write Love On Her Arms

Today I am participating in an event for National Suicide Prevention Week, in conjunction with To Write Love on Her Arms, an organization which is dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide.



                                      

      The movement is......





I self-injured from a young age. I have lived with and in depression. I know the overwhelming feeling of despair as it washes over every part of your mind and heart, like a dark wave that wants to drown you.

I know hope. I know that healing is possible and that the wave of depression doesn't have to win.

For everyone we have lost....

For those who have survived......

For those who are still in the fight for their life.....

You are in my heart today. 

You are LOVED!

Beyond Opinion by Ravi Zacharias

I have read many books by Ravi Zacharias, and always find myself challenged to think about things in new ways. Beyond Opinion - Living the Faith We Defend is no exception. It is different from his previous books because he was not the sole author, instead it is a collection of essays from apologists who work with Ravi Zacharias International Ministries. It is also different from most apologetics books that I have read in that it's focus is on relationships and people, not on arguments and positions, although it still equips it's readers with important information.

Beyond Opinion is not a "sit down and read straight through" book. I found that reading one chapter at a time and concentrating on each subject presented was easiest for me. The chapter on conversational apologetics by Michael Ramsden was one of my favorites. This is definitely a book that I would recommend to someone who is just getting started down the path of apologetics, as well as to someone who has been reading and studying in this area for years.

*I received a free copy of this book from Thomas Nelson Publishers as part of their Booksneeze program to review. I was not compensated monetarily, and I was not required to say nice things. 

Adventures in Facebook...or....What Bloggers Do On A Thursday Night

Last night I watched a movie. Camp Rock. With the Jonas Brothers. 

(I'll give you a moment to let that set in, so you feel properly sorry for me...) 

I snuck a peek at facebook and found that I wasn't alone.  

Much More Than Mommy (MMTM for short) was right there with me watching it. This is the resulting conversation held over the course of the movie....

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Around the same time, I was adding facebook like buttons to One Cluttered Brain's blog and having a separate series of conversations on another wall. Here is a peek into that fun....

(Her profile picture is awesome. It is One Cluttered Brain, kissing her laptop! Classic! Sadly, you can not see it, but just imagine with me, okay?)

Here it is! Did you watch Saved By The Bell?
I admitted that I did, you can too!

You can click this for the fancy version that CB found!

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This ends your journey into my Thursday night facebook adventures and how blogging friends saved my evening. I will probably be back there again tonight, because Camp Rock-The Final Jam is coming on television. Feel free to distract me while it is on.

The True Cuss Words

I have restrained myself from writing a lot in the past three months. There are more unfinished drafts in my folder than I would like to count. All of them passionate, important, informative, heartfelt, and thoughtful. Some of them less than nice. A few of them very angry. Most of them sad. There are lots of reasons I have held back on hitting that publish button. I go back and forth on it.

These unpublished drafts aren't just about one situation. The past few months have been a perfect storm of garbage, hurt, refuse, lies, betrayal, and confusion. My life has become less an act of intentional living and more a long list of barely controlled verbs and adjectives. Some of these things are highly personal, others not so much. All of them are painful.

I have seen people attacked. I have been attacked. I have been hurt, sad, depressed, and sat with those who are feeling the same. A thesaurus is going to be needed soon to provide enough descriptive words or I will find myself covering it all with a blanket of cuss-words knit together with tears.

~I have been encouraged by people who have made hard choices. Stood strong even when those around them didn't know the full story and lambasted them for what they are doing. Have you had that feeling, the one where you know almost too much about a situation and don't want to burden other's with that knowledge?  You know too much that can't be said, so you wait until you feel free to speak? I am standing there.

~Have you seen other people torn down because of jealousy? People within the community who are supposedly working towards the same goal attacking them?  Last night I read an article questioning someone's survivor story. Calling it at best badly written, and at worst a contrived lie. One thing I found upsetting about this was that I felt some of it boiled down to a political disagreement. I am deeply political. You might not know that from reading my blog, but it is true. There are some situations where political divides have no place. No voice. They do not belong, and this is one of those places. If you do not choose to get involved in laws that protect children, then please move out of the way. You are free to do so. At the same time, please do not bash those who choose to do it. (It is one thing to disagree with a proposed law, and another to personally attack someone involved in it) The more hurtful part comes in the way this person took the writings and words of a survivor and twisted them around to use against her. There is no excuse for this.

~I choose to remain silent when I know that my words can not improve the conversation in blog-land. I do not know enough about what has happened in the past.  I don't like to make decisions (especially about people) without knowing all the sides, but sometimes it is possible to learn a lot without any facts, based solely on how the interested parties are acting. When someone resorts to anonymously bashing another person, when they actively spend minutes or hours of their day campaigning against someone (when neither one of them is running for office), when they bring in friends to say vile and hateful things - all while cloaked in a layer of anonymity.....it is a big, flashing, red sign that the person doing those things has issues far beyond this situation. That sign flashes two things. Drama! &  Run Away!

I have spoken and written some very hard truths in my life. I do it out in the open. I do it, knowing that through a simple google search anyone can read it, and knowing that my family does read it. I walk a fine line between speaking out truth and not dragging people into things that they have not agreed to. This is why I don't always use people's names when I write. It is not my place to out their personal stories. I do not try to hurt people, even when they have contributed to my own pain.  I do, however, use my name. I stand by the truth that I speak. I stand by the things that I have written. I don't hide in the shadows in my life. I don't hide in the shadows on my blog. I certainly won't hide in other places. I will not contribute to a hate mongering fest in someone's comment section.

I mentioned that I would need a thesaurus to find enough descriptive words for the past three months, or I was going to resort to cuss-words. Now I'm not so sure that was true. Maybe the real truth is this.....people use the words Shoot instead of Shit, and Darn instead of Damn, and Fudge instead of Fuck, and then excuse themselves by saying those weren't the real words. Not the bad ones. Just placeholders. Maybe Shit, Damn, and Fuck aren't the real words either. Maybe they are just placeholders for the ones that really matter. Lies. Manipulation. Jealousy. Unfounded Accusations. Hateful Words. Hateful Actions. Bullying. Covert Smear Campaigns. Judgements. Betrayal. I am beginning to think that these are the true cuss-words (vulgar and abusive to the core) These are the words that have formed a blanket knit together with tears, dyed red with the blood that these abuses have shed, because words and actions can cut deeper and hurt worse than a knife when used skillfully and intentionally against another other person.