ACT as in ACTION. That was going to be my 2013.
This is the post where I am supposed to look back over the year, and tell you how my one word changed me, or challenged me, or moved me to a new place. But I am not in a new place - physically, spiritually, or any other way.
I did have one big revelation about Act(ion), and I blogged about it in September. But a week later I was back to life as usual. No action. No using my faith. I was exactly what I warned against in that post: a tree that does not grow, a withering branch, a vine with no grapes, a stagnant life.
I was still struggling to understand how to make action a reality in my life after writing that blog post, and I never did find the answer.
I think my year of ACT was marked by acting instead of action:
Acting okay, when everything was falling apart.
Acting sane, when I felt anything but.
Acting cool, when inside I wanted to run and hide.
Acting happy, when inside I was sitting at the bottom of the dark chasm that starts at unhappy, and goes down from there.
All of that acting, and I am not even that great of an actress.
I have been dreading writing this post for weeks. I am proud. I do not like to admit failure. It was one word, and even that was too much for me. I knew my words would be a dark mark in the midst of excited, hopeful updates on people's one words.
My mind is yelling at me as I type this, "Even if you are sad, you can find the positive. Don't be a drag. Be honest, but not too honest. Pull it together. Look for the silver lining, and write that. Seriously do not use the words 'gave up' or you will out yourself as being such a loser."
But I do not want to be less than what I am. Although 'loser' might be harsh, 'liar' is much worse. At least I can hold on to my honesty, so here it is...
I failed. I gave up.
It was too hard. I felt powerless over my life. I was overwhelmed, and so very tired. Not emotionally strong enough to focus on even one word.
There were good days in 2013. All years have good days and bad days. But I struggled. I have a hard time looking back at the last year (the last several years) without seeing the waves of bad looming above me ready to crash. The fear is paralyzing, and I never could figure out how to act(ion) my way out from under it.
I don't think I will be picking a word for 2014. There are still a few days left in 2013; I might be hit with inspiration and change my mind, but as I sit here today, I think I am done with even the smallest of resolutions.
Sometimes there is no pretty bow to tie up a box of honesty. This is one of those times. I do not even really want to hit publish on this post, but to end the year without a word about act(ion) seems unfinished, and ultimately cowardly. So here I am. Struggling. Honest. The box of my life is smooshed and beat up. It has no bow or ribbon to distract you from the busted corners and muddy sides. It is what it is.