Bargaining With God

I want to get real honest with you about prayer. Sometimes I find myself approaching prayer like it is a negotiation.

Maybe it was all of those Bible studies and books I read as a teenager: 10 Steps to Effective Prayer, How to Pray like Jesus, Using Scripture to Pray, Fasting like Daniel with 21 Days of Prayer, Seal the Deal on Your Prayer Contract (okay, I definitely made that last one up, but you know the books I am referring to). I don't think those books and studies are inherently bad, but I think they might have messed me up a little bit.

I start to pray. While I'm praying, a part of my mind is focused not on the prayer, not on the Lord, but on the act of prayer.

The strategy seeps in. I pause my request to make the words more proper. I remind myself to praise before I ask. I mentally search for a verse to apply to the situation, so I can first remind God of His words. I couch my request in a plea to "do this for Your kingdom, not for me, but for Your honor."

I'm not concentrating on God, because I'm distracted by the need to get the prayer right - to be perfect in my attitude and words.

If that wasn't enough, as all of this is happening, another voice kicks in, and says, "Is this a waste? It isn't like God doesn't know that you just thought out what you were going to say in your little bargaining session while you were doing it. He knows your heart, and that means He knows you are not really praying out of your heart, but out of formula and strategy. You aren't fooling Him."

I have to pause and answer that voice back, "Fooling Him? I wasn't trying to fool Him. I was praying effectively.....right? Obviously I couldn't fool Him. I was just trying to do it right. Now I need to stop thinking about doing it right, and reprimanding myself, because this is probably nullifying all the right words I was trying to use."

Does that sound like a lot of prayer is happening? Not really. I know there is nothing effective about having a separate conversation with myself about not having a strategic prayer conversation with myself while I'm trying to pray.

Reverence. Praying scripture. Concentrating on God's will. These are all great things, but after a while I start to feel like I'm bargaining with God instead of talking to Him.

I miss the talking. I miss the relationship. I miss the easy flow of words.

I don't want to play a messed up game of Let's Make A Deal anymore. I don't want to spend so much energy concentrating on getting it right.

I want to remember...
- The times when I called out to God in desperation. The times when I cried out with what were probably the most hurt, confused, scared, un-strategic prayers I have ever prayed, and God gave me a miracle.

- The times I sat quietly and worshiped, and the times I rejoiced loudly.

- The times I pleaded with Him for big things, and the times I marveled at little things, and the times I just told Him about my day.

- The times I reached out to friends and prayed in a group, and the times when I prayed alone.

- Times I yelled, and the times I whispered, and the times I didn't even have words of my own to say.

...because I might not have followed the (probably valid, and sometimes even based on the Bible) formulas shared in a book during all those times, but I had relationship moments.

I talked to God. No negotiations, no bargains, no strategy.

Just me and God.

Just me and God - that is amazing! I don't want to miss out on time focused on our relationship because I'm having another strategy meeting with myself.

Are You Missing House?

House has been gone for less than a week, and you are already missing him? I understand completely, because I am missing him, too. The good news is that I have the answer for your sadness - House M.D. Critical Cases, a new game on Facebook.

It was a simpler time at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital when House, Foreman, Chase, Taub, and Thirteen solved all the medical mysteries. This is the setting for Critical Cases, with the addition of one new doctor - you. Or in my case, the new doctor was me - Dr. From Tracie. (that has a nice ring to it, don't you think?)

The object of the game is to solve and treat the critical cases, while also taking care of clinic patients and keeping a well-stocked pharmacy. You know how House is a fan of a well-stocked pharmacy.

The critical cases follow a story line, like a short version of an episode of House.

You move through the hospital and click on patients to find out their symptoms. Then you choose if they need to be sent to a lab room to be tested, pick up medicine, or be admitted for long-term care.

Treating and testing the patients is done through playing a variety of mini-games, like this one where you have to click on the correct cells to analyze the patient's blood. It looks easy in this picture, but when you play the game those little cells move fast.

After working your way through the testing or care that a clinic patient needs, you are rewarded with money, points, and favor that you need for treating the critical case patient.

In true House fashion, you also break into the critical case patient's home and workplace to do further research into what is making them ill by searching for items. It seems that all the patients are very messy.

It is a fun game. Being a social-based facebook game, you will move through levels faster if you have friends playing with you and helping your patients, but it doesn't require you to obnoxiously beg for things all day long in order to advance.

Check out House M.D. Critical Cases on faceook, and you can hang out with House on your computer, just like me.

But be prepared, House is just as sarcastic and biting in the game as he was on the tv show. Of course, that really is why we all love him, so I think of it as a good thing.

Legal Stuff: Thank you to Ubisoft for sponsoring this blog post. Please click here to learn more about Ubisoft. I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective. All opinions are my own. #UbiChamps
I was not required to say nice things.

Full Of Thoughts - We Are Okay

I looked at the clock and realized it was after 3pm. Almost a whole day has slipped by.

I'm full of thoughts lately.

Thoughts of things I can't control.

Thoughts of a survivor and friend lost too soon.

Thoughts of a family member who is hurting.

Thoughts of a disappointing phone call.

Thoughts of someone I love but cannot help.

Sometimes there are so many thoughts, it is paralyzing.

Sometimes the task seems too big. The fight too hard. The words too much.

Then. Then I open up my inbox and find an email waiting with just the right words.

And I know I'll keep writing. Keep speaking. Keep fighting.

"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better." - Anne Lamott

I do the best I can with what I have...and that is okay.

I am okay. And so are you. 

The Night I Tried To Call

I called my cousin Peter* last night. Sitting in the dark, with only the light from the computer screen to illuminate my shaking hand as I clicked on each number.

I have one picture of Peter, It was snapped when I was nine and he was ten, a week after our uncle died (the timing of that picture is not lost on me). There are other pictures in storage somewhere, but this is the one that I have here with me. I pulled it up on the computer and stared at him, trying to imagine what he looks like now.

It has been a long journey, me working up the courage to hit call after clicking in those numbers, but this was the night I would ignore the crushing grip of anxiety and actually do it.

Ring.

In that moment, my thoughts cleared enough to realize what I really wanted, "I hope I get voicemail and he is on the recording. I don't know what to say. I just want to hear his voice."

Ring.

I heard the rattle of a phone being picked up from its cradle.

One second. Two seconds.

No hello. Just the crash of the phone being slammed down in my ear.

It is remarkable how much more final it sounds when someone uses a landline phone to hang up on you.


*The name of my cousin has been changed.

Here a Pin, There a Pin, Everywhere a Pinable Pin

Pin those shoes.

Pin that hat.

Pin those beach pictures, and my personal favorites - the library pictures.

Pin that recipe I want someone to cook for me (because I'm certainly never going to actually cook it for myself).

Pin this, won't you? You know you want to.

Pinterest. I love it. You love it. We all love the Pinterest.

The woman in this video? She might love Pinterest a little too much.

Pinsanity! from Comediva
She is terrifying, but I can't stop watching her.

And now I think I'm going to go pin some self defense classes....just in case.