I Stopped Myself From Reading 200 Books

Tonight we had dinner with a couple of Thomas' friends who don't know me very well. The conversation turned to books (as all good conversations do), and one of them mentioned a series* I might enjoy.

As I was thinking about writing down the name so I could look it up later, he said that one day he would like to own the entire series. I asked him how many books there are, and he told me over 200.

Over 200 books. I don't know if that makes me very happy, or very scared. Probably both.

I immediately told him that I can't go there. I can't read even one of them without knowing that I will really, really love them, because that is a commitment I'm not willing to make right now.

He tried to comfort me with, "Oh, you don't have to read all of them. They aren't exactly one series, they are multiple series that fit together with side series and other stories. Some of them focus on one family or clan, or they focus on a particular time period in the land, and they don't all share characters. Just read the ones you like."

But just like I have to read every page of the book, I have to read every book in the series. And that would include the multiple side series and other stories. All 200+ books would have to be read.

I am pretty sure Thomas' friends now believe that I'm crazy.


*I am not including the name of the series, because I am busy trying to block that memory from my mind so I won't look them up and decided that, yes, I do want to read these books. I will tell you that they are some kind of fantasy/sci-fi books.

**No, they are not Star Wars. I am aware that there are hundreds of Star Wars books, and I have carefully restrained myself from reading even just one of them, so I don't have to read them all.

***I am also aware that this blog post probably confirms any suspicions that you might have had about my possible geekiness. Or maybe not, since I'm not reading Star Wars.

Am I the only one who has to read every book in a series once I start it, or do you feel the same way?

Blog Against Child Abuse - May 2012 Edition

The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is a monthly event. Its purpose is to raise awareness about the serious issue of child abuse. All forms of abuse (physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual, verbal) are discussed.

Welcome to the May 2012 Edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse!
We have technically slid into June now, and I apologize for the lateness of the carnival. We had a lot of great submissions for May, and I know there will be something in these posts that will touch your life.

Healing & Therapy:
-JRB from Just Be Real submitted Lost Little Ones Found
A great reminder to find compassion and love your inner child.

-Kate from Kate is Rising submitted I Know When You're Listening
She wrote: Being listened to and being validated were things I did not get from family and that pattern repeated itself for decades. Being listened to and being validated by my online friends has been a catalyst for healing and change.


Survivor Stories:
-Cairn Grow from Get This... submitted In the Office
Cairn shares about the time her abuser came to her school to confront and threaten her.


Advocacy & Awareness:
-Lynn Tolson from Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor's Story submitted Tolson 4 TEARS Reviews "Beyond Survivor"
A great look at the newly released book from Jan L. Frayne.

-Rebecca from 1001 Things To Be Happy About submitted How I Should Have Known
She wrote: I was married to a pedophile for 25 years. Looking back, I see what I should have seen earlier - some serious signs that things were not right. I hope with this post I can help others who may be wondering, "Is this normal?" to recognize symptoms of a child molester.

-Cairn Grow from Get This... submitted Excerpts from a Letter
She wrote: This is a post in my blog that includes excerpts from a letter that my abuser wrote in explanation for his behavior. I find it to speak so authentically to the typical thought process of a sick person.

-Tricia McKnight from survivorsjustice submitted Tears In April
She wrote: This is my plea for everyone to get involved, protect our children, do our best to help end the abuses against them. When they get older and they learn what April is about, will they believe we did our very best to help them?


Aftermath:
-Kate from Kate is Rising submitted Tender Loving Care
She wrote: The aftermath of child sexual abuse has meant that I have trouble being gentle with myself and my own body. It is a huge step in healing, I believe, for someone to give themselves tender loving care. This post is a statement of what I want, need, and deserve.

-Brittany P. from Butterfly Closures submitted Mourning the Abused Inner Child
Brittany shares a realization she had about grieving for the losses and pain her inner child experienced.

*********

The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse provides an opportunity to raise awareness about the serious issue of child abuse and to share important posts with others who might not be frequent readers of an author's blog. There are so many wonderful bloggers who are contributing to the cause of ending and recovering from child abuse. If you, as a reader or author, know of other blogs that you find helpful, please encourage them to submit to an upcoming issue of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse so we can continue to receive high quality submissions from a wide swath of bloggers.

Many thanks to all of you who shared your hearts and stories with us, and to all of you who read the submissions and show your support. You keep this carnival, the awareness, support, and healing going each month.

To provide another way for you to stay in contact with the blog carnival, and make sure you don't miss any updates; you can like the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse Facebook Page.

Thank you for raising your voice and speaking out against child abuse!

Bargaining With God

I want to get real honest with you about prayer. Sometimes I find myself approaching prayer like it is a negotiation.

Maybe it was all of those Bible studies and books I read as a teenager: 10 Steps to Effective Prayer, How to Pray like Jesus, Using Scripture to Pray, Fasting like Daniel with 21 Days of Prayer, Seal the Deal on Your Prayer Contract (okay, I definitely made that last one up, but you know the books I am referring to). I don't think those books and studies are inherently bad, but I think they might have messed me up a little bit.

I start to pray. While I'm praying, a part of my mind is focused not on the prayer, not on the Lord, but on the act of prayer.

The strategy seeps in. I pause my request to make the words more proper. I remind myself to praise before I ask. I mentally search for a verse to apply to the situation, so I can first remind God of His words. I couch my request in a plea to "do this for Your kingdom, not for me, but for Your honor."

I'm not concentrating on God, because I'm distracted by the need to get the prayer right - to be perfect in my attitude and words.

If that wasn't enough, as all of this is happening, another voice kicks in, and says, "Is this a waste? It isn't like God doesn't know that you just thought out what you were going to say in your little bargaining session while you were doing it. He knows your heart, and that means He knows you are not really praying out of your heart, but out of formula and strategy. You aren't fooling Him."

I have to pause and answer that voice back, "Fooling Him? I wasn't trying to fool Him. I was praying effectively.....right? Obviously I couldn't fool Him. I was just trying to do it right. Now I need to stop thinking about doing it right, and reprimanding myself, because this is probably nullifying all the right words I was trying to use."

Does that sound like a lot of prayer is happening? Not really. I know there is nothing effective about having a separate conversation with myself about not having a strategic prayer conversation with myself while I'm trying to pray.

Reverence. Praying scripture. Concentrating on God's will. These are all great things, but after a while I start to feel like I'm bargaining with God instead of talking to Him.

I miss the talking. I miss the relationship. I miss the easy flow of words.

I don't want to play a messed up game of Let's Make A Deal anymore. I don't want to spend so much energy concentrating on getting it right.

I want to remember...
- The times when I called out to God in desperation. The times when I cried out with what were probably the most hurt, confused, scared, un-strategic prayers I have ever prayed, and God gave me a miracle.

- The times I sat quietly and worshiped, and the times I rejoiced loudly.

- The times I pleaded with Him for big things, and the times I marveled at little things, and the times I just told Him about my day.

- The times I reached out to friends and prayed in a group, and the times when I prayed alone.

- Times I yelled, and the times I whispered, and the times I didn't even have words of my own to say.

...because I might not have followed the (probably valid, and sometimes even based on the Bible) formulas shared in a book during all those times, but I had relationship moments.

I talked to God. No negotiations, no bargains, no strategy.

Just me and God.

Just me and God - that is amazing! I don't want to miss out on time focused on our relationship because I'm having another strategy meeting with myself.

Are You Missing House?

House has been gone for less than a week, and you are already missing him? I understand completely, because I am missing him, too. The good news is that I have the answer for your sadness - House M.D. Critical Cases, a new game on Facebook.

It was a simpler time at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital when House, Foreman, Chase, Taub, and Thirteen solved all the medical mysteries. This is the setting for Critical Cases, with the addition of one new doctor - you. Or in my case, the new doctor was me - Dr. From Tracie. (that has a nice ring to it, don't you think?)

The object of the game is to solve and treat the critical cases, while also taking care of clinic patients and keeping a well-stocked pharmacy. You know how House is a fan of a well-stocked pharmacy.

The critical cases follow a story line, like a short version of an episode of House.

You move through the hospital and click on patients to find out their symptoms. Then you choose if they need to be sent to a lab room to be tested, pick up medicine, or be admitted for long-term care.

Treating and testing the patients is done through playing a variety of mini-games, like this one where you have to click on the correct cells to analyze the patient's blood. It looks easy in this picture, but when you play the game those little cells move fast.

After working your way through the testing or care that a clinic patient needs, you are rewarded with money, points, and favor that you need for treating the critical case patient.

In true House fashion, you also break into the critical case patient's home and workplace to do further research into what is making them ill by searching for items. It seems that all the patients are very messy.

It is a fun game. Being a social-based facebook game, you will move through levels faster if you have friends playing with you and helping your patients, but it doesn't require you to obnoxiously beg for things all day long in order to advance.

Check out House M.D. Critical Cases on faceook, and you can hang out with House on your computer, just like me.

But be prepared, House is just as sarcastic and biting in the game as he was on the tv show. Of course, that really is why we all love him, so I think of it as a good thing.

Legal Stuff: Thank you to Ubisoft for sponsoring this blog post. Please click here to learn more about Ubisoft. I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective. All opinions are my own. #UbiChamps
I was not required to say nice things.

Full Of Thoughts - We Are Okay

I looked at the clock and realized it was after 3pm. Almost a whole day has slipped by.

I'm full of thoughts lately.

Thoughts of things I can't control.

Thoughts of a survivor and friend lost too soon.

Thoughts of a family member who is hurting.

Thoughts of a disappointing phone call.

Thoughts of someone I love but cannot help.

Sometimes there are so many thoughts, it is paralyzing.

Sometimes the task seems too big. The fight too hard. The words too much.

Then. Then I open up my inbox and find an email waiting with just the right words.

And I know I'll keep writing. Keep speaking. Keep fighting.

"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better." - Anne Lamott

I do the best I can with what I have...and that is okay.

I am okay. And so are you.