From Tracie: Hope Fills My Life

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

Hope Fills My Life

This is a hard truth: In 2011 I experienced depression darker than any I've experienced before. I was not only depressed, I was disconnected and isolated. I wrote scary things in my journal. Even more scary were the things I self-censored. I flip back through those pages, and I can hardly believe I was functioning at all. Held together by forcing myself to write down reasons to live (alluding to that practice only one time on this blog, and couching it in fiction).

When I undertook hope as my focus word for 2012, it was with desperation. I didn't just want hope; I needed it. Like food. Like water. Like air. I knew I was going to die without it.

Stripping Back The Pain and Cloud of Depression and Finding that Hope Reaches Back and Gives Strength

There has been a change. Since writing about things I was afraid to tell you in June, I have felt lighter.  My vulnerability was met with support, and I have been humbled and amazed by the response. Just the act of sending that out into the world was powerful, and that power manifested itself in hope.

From the outside it might not look like there have been big changes. The hard things are still there, and they are still hard. But I have changed. And I am able to see, and rejoice in, the small steps I (and my family) are taking toward real and lasting change.

This is why I've been singing about hope - morning pages - waking up early - homeschool. I am loving life. I am busier than I have been in a long time. Not busy in a way that wears or grates. Not frantic. Not busy in an "anything to dull the pain" rush. Not scheduling my day with unfulfilling things. Busy in a mostly organized way. I'm excited about opportunities. Putting myself out there, and looking for good things to come my way.

Hope is the real change. It took me eight months of desiring hope to really start to get it. But now I am feeling it all day long. I see it sneaking its way into every aspect of my life. I am so very thankful, and in awe of the grace of God.

With hope I can:
  • Pour my energy into people and things that inspire me. 
  • Believe in myself.
  • Stop the negative self talk that tries to invade my mind as soon as the whispers begin.
  • Do one creative thing each day. (And write morning pages! They are a big part of this life I am rejoicing in.)
  • Honor myself with space, forgiveness, and mercy. 
  • Unlock the chains of perfection. (Have you read Daring Greatly yet? It came into my life during this time of change and hope, exactly when I needed to read it.)
  • Be kind to myself. For the first time in a really long time, I am actually being kind to myself. That is huge.

A few months ago I started stripping back the pain and cloud of depression; reaching out a tentative, pale, shaky hand toward hope. And I found that hope reaches back and gives strength.

Hope is real

What gives you hope?

Linking this up with Pour Your Heart Out at Things I Can't Say

44 comments:

  1. Tracie, this was beautiful. Sometimes I think we get so bogged down (myself especially) b/c we're afraid to reach out and really talk about what's going on. Then, when I do, I realize it's not as horrible as I thought and that I'm truly not alone. I am SO GLAD you are in a better place. Hope can be elusive and tricky sometimes. But it's such a wonderful thing. Hope helps me go forward and be renewed. It's no wonder that's what my daughter's name means. :)

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    1. Yes. When I am in the midst of depression, I retreat into myself and have a hard time (harder than usual) asking for help or reaching out. But that moment when I realize I'm not alone is a beautiful thing.

      Hope is wonderful. AND, if it wasn't already meant for us to be friends...my daughter's middle name is Hope.

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  2. I get my hope from others who have survived the darkness. Thank you for being one of those beautiful people!

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    1. Thank you. That touched my heart. I know you have walked dark paths and come out on the other side as well. <3

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  3. Hi Tracie,

    This is really good. I love that both of our blogs posted about hope today. Must be in the air. :)

    I actually stopped by because I had a question for you in regards to your comment on Ben's blog the other day. What has your experience been with Spotify? Have you upgraded to the pay version? We did the 3-day trial and had a blast with it. Loved finding all the live performances. I'm wondering if it's worth the cost? I think Ben said it was about $10/month?

    Thanks,
    Luka

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    1. Hope being in the air. That is a great thing!

      I love Spotify. It is nice to be able to create a playlist with exactly the songs I want (unlike Pandora which throws out random stuff). I'm not sure of the pricing, because I have only used the free service.

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    2. I think we have an extended 30 day trial offer. I wasn't aware they offered a free service aside from their trials. Will need to look into that. I'm a fan of Pandora, but yes, I would be happier if I had a little more input into what I was playing.

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  4. Thank you for your transparency and your loving heart! I was in much the same place at the end of 2011. On December 23rd I scared myself as "the voices of despair" were so loud and insistent. I came online and just said, "I'm not okay and I need you to pray." I don't remember who said what to me over the next week but I know that people heard my cry and responded ... with prayers, words, text messages, cards, FB messages, etc. and by God's grace I made it through that very dark and scary place! I honestly don't believe I would have survived it if I had resisted the urge to admit I needed help! I have easy access to drugs that would allow me to just ... go to sleep and never wake up.

    I'm so sorry that you had to feel that pain! I'm so grateful that God has carried both of us through to the other side so that we might share the hope with which we have been graced!

    Love you, sweet girl!

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    1. It breaks my heart to read that, Beth, and know that you were in such a dark place. I'm so happy you reached out for help and made it through. The world is a better place with you in it.

      God is amazing. I'm so thankful for his grace.

      Love you!

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  5. There have been hard moments for me that felt like they lasted a lifetime and then some.

    When they have come to visit I have done my best to let them have their stay and send them on their way.

    Writing and exercise do a lot for me. Between the two of them I usually find something that inspires me and that gives me enough lift to move on.

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    1. Writing is a big one for me. It really does make a difference to be able to get the bad thoughts out, and making a point to write down the good thoughts helps me to focus on them with greater clarity.

      I'm sorry you have had those hard moments, too. They suck. But it is great that you have been able to send them on their way. That takes strength.

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  6. Hope is the real change. Yes. I am so glad you made it through and I hope to follow you there soon.

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    1. Oh sweet Joules. I hope you find your way here soon. Hope is real. You deserve it. I love you.

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  7. such an excellent post. As Christians, we are subjected to so many pressures and being real is so refreshing. I'll cheer you on all way!

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    1. Thank you!

      Real is hard sometimes, but it is important!

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  8. Andy in The Shawshank Redemption said it best, "Red, hope is a good thing."

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    1. Yes!! That is it exactly.

      Great line. Great movie.

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  9. Vanessa

    Your story touched my heart. A couple of months ago I was in a deep depression I thought the scary things, hated myself and my will to live had disapered. I tried to end this misery but God had other plans. This experience has opened my eyes because there is hope after the storm. Continue to have hope and strength.

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    1. I'm so happy you are still here after that storm. Those other plans God has for you are good, and you deserve good things. Hope is real.

      Thank you for your kind words.

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  10. Such a shame that you don't have a system there that can help you move into a better place, that would help you so much. This will be a great thing you will be teaching others soon enough how to get through, so all those notes will come in handy. Hugs girl. When I get set back up in my own place we will have to do a little show about it also. Between the two of us starting a new life at any age will help others that I'm sure are in this same space.

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    1. Yes. I believe that one day I will be able to look back at this time and share things that will help other people.

      Hugs to you. Your courage to start over is an inspiration.

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  11. I am sorry that I missed your words last June, my dear friend. Oh, how I needed these today. I, too, have been fighting some stiff winds and your embrace of hope has helped to renew mine. You are a gift to this world and I am so glad that you stayed and fought for hope.
    XOXO
    Traci

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    1. Oh Sweet Traci. No apologies necessary. I appreciate you so much.

      I'm sorry you have been fighting your own battles. I pray hope helps to carry you through. You are worth the fight.

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  12. I'm so glad you've found hope. And that hope found you.

    May the good changes continue, and your days get better and better. Sunshine, rainbows and all that. :)

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    1. Thank you.

      I love sunshine and rainbows, and all take all of them you send my way.

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  13. This is the post I desperatly needed today. It really is. There is always hope...and if you don't have it there is always someone you love hoping, wishing, and praying for you.
    Beautiful.
    I'm so proud of you and your courage to endure this immense pain. xo

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    1. Having read your last couple of posts, I know you are walking through a dark place right now. You have that courage, too, and I know it will get better. I'm glad this spoke to you. I'm praying hope will cross your path in big and little ways this week. xoxo

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  14. Beautiful Tracie! I hope you continue to find hope and peace

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  15. This is really touching!! I'm glad you have found a voice in writing about your struggles and sharing them to help give you even more hope!!

    Good luck with the rest of your journey!

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  16. I'm SO glad that your search for Hope has brought you Hope!!! Keep on pouring your heart out-the good, the bad, the ugly. Writing is such a powerful tool for healing!!! I'm always amazed to find how many of those I've loved have dealt with depression-and to hear stories of how close to the edge they've come. I think the talking and the realization is often enough to help pull them back!

    Here's to continued hope, joy, and peace my dear friend!!!!

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  17. I am touched by your honesty and by your strength. Because it's easier to "give up" than to cultivate hope. You describe hope as something you needed to work for, as a "practice," if you will. Good for you for not giving up on it, brave lady. xo

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  18. This is a really beautiful post Tracie and one that I definitely needed to read. I am so glad that hope has made its way back into your life. It is an incredibly powerful thing but you're right, it often takes time and practice to allow it into our lives fully. Thank you for sharing this and hope that the good changes endure.

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  19. What an inspiring post. My children and my faith give me hope.

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  20. To hear that you are loving life and having hope- it makes me smile. So happy for you. xo

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  21. (((HUGS))) I've just found you but I feel like I know you.

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  22. stopping by from SITS SHAREFEST...

    I can related to this, Hope is a powerful thing. My son gives me hope, just looking at him and thinking how he changed my life makes me believe in miracles.

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  23. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so happy you found Hope.

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  24. Sooooo glad to read this. Your pain was so obvious a few months ago, and Im smiling as I type this wlike I smiled as I read your post. Yay Tracie!

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  25. Hello from St. Louie. Stopping in from SITS. Beautiful and honest. You write straight from the heart. I pray you continue on this hope-filled road to peace and contentment.

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  26. You are beautiful! I hope when I get down to FL for Christmas we can get together.

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  27. This is a great post Tracie, thanks for sharing it again for the Carnival. Hope is so incredibly important. Without it, i don't know where I'd be. One of the ways I've found to keep hope alive is through gratitude. Being grateful for the simple things in life helps me retain hope for tomorrow. :)

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  28. Hi Tracie,

    I'm so sorry you were dealing with so much.

    I find so much healing from reading about hope. When someone else is being stronger it helps me to be stronger, it helps me to have hope. Thanks so much.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

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