Lovely and Versatile

I recently received a couple of awards. I am not a good rule follower, so I don't always post these and then follow the instructions, but I do want to send a thank you to Tammy at Nurse's Notes for the Versatile Blogger Award and a thank you to Martha at A Real (Upstate) NY Housewife for the Lovely Blog Award.

Y'all are very sweet and making me smile today! 

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Grace and Dreams

"They don't have a clue what it is like to live my life. Let them come do it for a month and then see what helpful advice they have for me. I don't think they would even make it a few days. But I don't wish that on them, I don't hate them or want them in pain. Let them keep their cushy lives....and stop trying to run mine."

I know the darkness of depression as it closes in. I know the hopeless feeling of not knowing what move to make next and hoping that everything will just stop....and contemplating exactly how to make it stop....only holding yourself back because of those who would be left behind. And even in that moment, wondering if they might not just be better without you anyway.

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I wonder what exactly grace is. How to live in it. What it means. How it actually applies to a real life. A life lived shattered, torn, and often in darkness.

I find myself begging for grace silently in my heart. Never asking out loud. Never wanting to hear that rejection or try to explain once again a life that someone else will never understand.

Prayers for grace that often sound like, "Please. I just can't take it anymore. Please. Just help me. I have no words, I have no plan that will work, I just need You to do something, to let me know that I will make it through this."

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I wonder if living grace is much less about receiving it than it is about giving it. Giving it to those who don't understand. Choosing to treat their opinions and advice, even when they are extremely painful, as coming from a place of a good intention. I'm sure that they often do come from that place. I'm sure that those people have no idea how much their words cut. At least, I hope that is true. So today I choose. I choose to release anger and hurt caused by their words and show them grace.

They might not extend that grace to me. They might never try to understand, or forgive me for not following what they think is the best path. I will extend grace for that too.

My heart tells me that these people aren't in my life. Not really. They aren't there for the good moments. They don't mourn with me or rejoice with me. Their involvement is more akin to a drive-thru. Or maybe a drive-by.  They care as much as their schedule allows, not as much as their heart can love. <--but this isn't really grace is it? This is my judgement of them. Of their hearts and positions. I am grieved over the judgement that just came from me.

This is the cost of allowing heart feelings to become entangled in relationships. If I truly believe what my heart feels about them, how can I have any relationship? How can I move past that pain? Only a changing of expectations. No longer placing my life in their path with an expectation of love or grace from them-because it probably won't happen.

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I struggle to find a family identity. A heritage that is older than I am. When I was a child I dreamed that I was adopted. Reading books like Face On The Milk Carton only exasperated these dreams. I fantasized what it would be like when I finally met my "real" family.

When I got older, I accepted that I was indeed the child of my parents, at which point I had new dreams. Dreams of tracing back my family tree and finding distant family members who lived far off....and of course in the most perfect of dream worlds we would meet and feel an instant connection that would only strengthen with time. I would move near them and carve out a new life (intentional, perfect, and lived in a small cottage somewhere most likely in the United Kingdom.)

I see now that I have placed the burden of my dreams on my very real family. The ones who do exist and already have relationships with me. They will never be my dream UK family. There is no cottage with roses covering it sitting next to their houses and no new life hiding by them just waiting for me to start living it.

Life is happening now. It isn't waiting for dreams to start or come true. Because they probably won't. That is why they are dreams. They happen in the dark places...only to disappear when the light of day shines down on them.

Maybe grace can be found in letting go of those expectations and leaving the irrational dreams behind. The most merciful thing that I can do for myself and my extended family. Maybe releasing those dreams worshiped in the darkness will bring in the light of morning and life.

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Happiness is Relaxation

I love sitting down to cross stitch. It requires a high level of concentration, and yet has a simplicity about it that allows my brain to think deeply about other things. It is kind of craft perfection.

If you are looking for the information about my friend Erin, who will be a guest on Oprah tomorrow, you can scroll down or click here.

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Erin Merryn Is Living For Today and So Much More

Today I want to tell you about my incredible friend Erin. 

Erin Merryn is a survivor, advocate, author, and truth speaker.

Stolen Innocence

Speaking with her pink diary

At age 19, Erin published her first book, Stolen Innocence. It is a memoir taken straight from the pages of her diary.






Erin's cousin Brian started sexually abusing her when she was eleven years old, and that abuse continued until she was thirteen. Stolen Innocence chronicles Erin's life from 11 to 18. Reading it, you see a child turn into a women, while navigating through depression, flashbacks, self-injury, counseling and forgiveness.

After Stolen Innocence was published, Erin Merryn  went to college to get a degree in social work. She had a published book, speaking engagements, television interviews, an eating disorder, and a secret she had never told anyone. Erin knew that she would have to release this secret if she was going to be able to move forward. She began writing and journaling. Her second book, Living for Today was born out of that writing.

This is her secret, when Erin was six years old, she was raped by her best friend Ashley's uncle.  After the rape, Erin stood outside and pinky promised Ashley that she would never tell anyone, because Ashley's uncle had told her if anyone found out they would loose their house. Erin kept that promise until 2007, when she broke her silence to her mom, and eventually to the police in an official report.

Living For Today is a powerful book. The subtitle is: From Incest and Molestation to Fearlessness and Forgiveness. That really speaks the heart of the book, and Erin's journey. I don't want to give any more of it away, because you have to read it for yourself, but I will just say that no matter what happens to Erin, she walks through it with grace and strength that is an inspiration.



Erin Merryn continues to travel the country speaking and advocating for survivors. She is also focused on Erin's Law, which would require that elementary schools educate children, in an age appropriate manner, about sexual abuse - safe/unsafe touch, safe/unsafe secrets, how to get away, and how to tell!

The Clothesline Project event at
Northern Illinois University

Speaking in Washington DC at the
 National Leadership Conf. 2010

Do you want to get involved with Erin's Law? It is as easy as a phone call. The Illinois State Senate already passed it. In November, the House will meet and it is important that Erin's Law SB2843 is brought up for a vote. You can contact the Speaker of the House Michael Madigan and tell him why Erin's Law is so important, and ask him to bring it up for a vote during the November veto session.

Michael Madigan Speaker of the House

6500 S. Pulaski Rd. Chicago, Il 60629

(773) 581-8000

mmadigan@hds.ilga.gov (topic of email: Erin's Law SB2843)

After Erin's Law passes in Illinois, Erin plans to take it national, but it is important to get it passed at the state level first. One day I know that I will proudly cheer when Erin's Law goes nationwide and children all over America are educated about sexual abuse. It won't prevent abusers from abusing, but it will give children a voice, knowledge of what to do if it happens, and a chance to make it stop!

I can't encourage you enough to read Erin's books, she is an inspiring woman. 

You can find her at her blog, and on twitter. One other exciting place that you can find Erin Merryn this week is on Oprah. Erin will be on Oprah Wednesday, October 6th to talk about Living for Today and Erin's Law! It is a powerful interview that you don't want to miss, so set your DVRs or VCRs to record it if you won't be home that day.

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Pain In The....What?

I have been having this issue with my ear.  It started a few years ago. Every few months or so I would get an earache. It would last a couple of hours and go away. The last three months it has been getting worse, the pain is more often and higher in intensity. Now I'm going on two weeks of ear pain. 

Yesterday Thomas told me to find a clinic to visit. 

He thinks it is my wisdom tooth.

Last night my mom told me to go to urgent care. 

(because I have an extra $8,975.62 laying around to pay for an urgent care clinic)

She thinks it is my ear drum.

I broke down and called my doctor pharmacist.

(My motto: When faced with medical difficulties, call a pharmacist-they have to answer the phone, and they are free.)

The pharmacist was no help. He failed me.

This pain in the ear is quickly becoming a pain in my...you know.

SO

I did what every hypochondriac loves/fears to do.

I turned to the internet.

At first I wasn't sure that WebMD was the place for me. Every hypochondriac knows that ear ache means brain tumor. At the very least it means obscure-37-letter-word-ear-canal-tumor. WebMD gave me advice like sinus infection, bruising, swimmer's ear, and pressure change. I thought for a moment that it could be pressure change from the last plane trip I took....it was a year ago. Maybe not. 

I thought about how bad it would be for my ears to ride on a plane while swimming. An interesting engineering feat, but obviously not the cause of my pain. Also I realize that sounds like my ears would be riding on the plane without me. That is a whole separate ear issue.

Mostly what I read was bacteria, inner ear, blah blah, inflamation, blah blah bla-draining the ear (yuck!), blah blah.....

Oooh Rubella.  There is something worthy of an internet-hypochondria moment. Rubella.

*squinting at screen*

Now this Rubella is supposed to be accompanied with joint pain. 

Hmmmm

My knee. It hurt earlier. (I ran into a chair) that qualifies as joint pain.

Then there should be a rash. On my face.  

Those pesky freckles. I knew they were up to no good. Camouflaging my Rubella rash. How am I supposed to get my family and doctor to take my Rubella seriously when these freckles cover up the face-rash?

*clicking links, clicking links*

Rubella can sometimes cause Encephalitis. 

Rubella rash can sometimes be similar to and confused with Measles. 

Very interesting. Click on Measles. There it is a HUGE Measles symptom at the bottom of the page, "Measles can cause ear infections". 

And then the final answer. Measles can sometimes cause Encephalitis. 

This is a clear path:

~Earache

~Rubella

~Measles

~Encephalitis.

The information on what caused Encephalitis was very sketchy, they don't seem sure at all did not seem to fit with my other symptoms (The knee! Don't forget that knee!) but I'm pretty sure I have figured it out...

It's the freckles. They have been causing problems for years.

Now I have to go read up on freckle removal. If I remember correctly, Anne Shirley used lemon juice. I think I'll start there.

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