From Tracie: No More Conversations. Maybe.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

No More Conversations. Maybe.

I really hate it when I get up in the morning, expecting to have a great day, and it turns bad and keeps on that way until it is horrible. Just plain rotten and nasty horrible.

There is no way to please some people. They have their opinions of what you are thinking and feeling and why you do certain things. No matter how wrong they are, or how much you try to explain yourself, it is impossible to change their minds. They will still judge you based on what they think your reasons or feelings are, truth be damned.

When I am upset about something and feeling insecure about myself in the situation I am in, I tend to pull back from the people surrounding me. Especially if it is a big group and everyone is in little clusters talking and laughing and having fun. I become the incredible introverted woman - able to sit in silence for hours at a time.

There is this argument within myself as to whether I want someone to notice me, coming to sit and talk with me, or if I want to be alone and unnoticed in the crowd. I am not sure what the answer is, but what I know I don't want is for someone to ask me if I am okay in front of a bunch of people. If they ask me quietly where no one else is listening, I can decide to share what is wrong or just play it off. But when someone asks in front of a group, I feel pressured to act as if everything is fine (even though it isn't, and that is probably apparent to everyone around) and make stupid conversation.

I am just tired of stupid conversation. Maybe even of conversation in general.

It is too hard to be interesting to other people. I struggle to think of exciting, witty things to say that will impress them, and cause them to talk to me for a while so that I can feel like, "We connected, maybe we could be friends." With that, honestly, it is hard to be interested in other people sometimes - even people who I generally find fascinating.

Sometimes it is just too hard.

That isn't exactly true. What I find hard is being interesting back, carrying my load in the conversation. It is that insecurity thing all over again. The never ending cycle of "Do they like me? Am I fun to be around? Are we really friends?" I have no one in my real life to be open with this about, to cry to, and hope for some magical correct response that will fix things. I just don't know how to develop that type of intimacy with people, and the people who I should have that type of intimacy with are too busy judging me based on their own opinion of why I do what I do, and what I am really thinking or really mean, that to try to discuss this would be pointless. I fear I would be dismissed as petty and dramatic.

So instead I am typing here; telling this to all of you who don't really know me. Tomorrow, when I get up and put a smile on my face to pretend that everything is okay, no one who sees me in person will ever know the truth. Or maybe they will. It is very possible I am not nearly as mysterious, or as good of an actress, as I believe.


  1. That is just so hard. I have so been there... and I won't even start on the low self esteem that I deal with. I had a friend that I did everything with and one day she decided we wouldn't be friends anymore... and I have basically been praying for a new friend every since. It is hard to not think people are judging you... and 'why don't you have a friend?'

    Anyway, thanks for making me thing. Stopping by via Michele... after you stopped by Crayons :)

  2. Even though women need friends, my Grandma always said "If at the end of your life you have one TRUE friend you are blessed". If you have more than one you are doubly blessed.

    I agree that people are too judgemental. As you get older you worry less about what others think or say about you!
    Michelle sent me

  3. mmmm rice krispy treats ! michele like them too

  4. Hi Tracie, everybody gets days like these and yes chocolate and other treats do help :) and I found that as I aged, I cared less and less what others think or say about me.

    I'm here via Michele

  5. Thanks for your comment and visit. Actually, I was thinking of Veggie Tales too when I did the title of that post. Then I came here and this post made me think of "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day". Not only have we both listened to our fair share of Veggie Tales, Raffi and other kids songs, I imagine we are more versed in children's literature than the best seller list.
    Mine is in college now so the books have become more complicated. But the Veggie Tale phenomenon hit when Nyssa was in junior high. Her whole class loved those videos.