From Tracie: -Cousin Part Three

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

-Cousin Part Three

Since I am sure that all of y'all are staying up nights wondering about my cousin, (cousin - part 1, part 2) I thought I would come do a nice 3am update.  After two weeks, I got a note back from him. (about ten minutes ago, actually) The first thing that I wonder as I wait for it to open is, will he address the dad issue?......and he is the quote exactly as he wrote it...

"your relationship with your dad sounds a lot like mine...haven't spoken to my father in almost 7 years." 

So, what do I do with that?  Do I make some response?  Do I count that part of our conversation to be asked and answered and now finished?

I guess I should be happy.  Obviously not happy that he doesn't have a relationship with his dad, but happy that he probably understands the uncomfortableness that surrounds the whole "dad question" and seems to not be asking any further questions that would force me to decide just how much to tell him.  But, instead of happy, I have a huge hole in the pit of my stomach right now.  Seriously.  It is the black hole of holes-huge!

I know what is causing the black hole.  The next sentence after the dad comment he talks about remembering visiting us and having hamburger eating contests (with my dad, not with me) at Krystal.  It is this memory that is causing the black hole.  Because now, I almost wish that he would have asked the uncomfortable questions, because it would have opened up a chance for me to ask someone who was a few years older and might have a few clearer memories than I ask him if he can fill in some of the large blanks in my mind.

Actually there is one blank in particular that I have been searching for.  In my uncle's bedroom, there is one time in particular that I have some memories of because there was a different person there.  Not just the in-town cousins, but someone else.  Over the years I have narrowed it down to either this cousin, or another cousin who is of similar age to him and also lived out of town.  I am pretty sure that it was one of the two of them that was in the room that day.....and I realize now that some of the obsession, the anxiety that I had over his delayed response wasn't just the dad question, but it was this memory.  This memory that I had pushed aside and now long to ask him see if he was the one who was there....if he remembers that day more clearly than I do and can fill in some of my blank see if he could fill in other blank places that I am not even aware of.....I wonder if the same thing might have happened to him during those summer visits that happened to me....or if he was just in the room...or maybe it wasn't him at all, and it was the other cousin.  This is the question that creates a black hole in my stomach, and it is the question that I know I could not bring up with someone who I have just started an email relationship with after not having seen them for ten years.  Maybe one day we will have a relationship where I could ask, but today is not that day.  For tonight I will be the unresponsive one while I over-think what I will say in response to his cordial, informative letter.  I will try to remember how people have normal social interactions with newly found family members, and hopefully tomorrow I will work up the courage to send him an equally cordial and informative letter.....without any black hole questions.....


  1. It's so hard to know what to do. So many competing wants and needs. Our memories are so powerful and haunting. I understand your dilemma.

    Sean the Vampire - Part Six - A Halloween Recap

  2. just be patient - your relationship will get to the place where you can ask those tougher questions

  3. I'm new to your blog, visiting from SITS. What a gripping first post to read, especially after reading your profile. I'm so sorry you are in need of filling in the hole. I hope you are able to get the answers you seek, to bring an understanding to it all and mostly, for healing.

  4. Trust me. I understand. I was sexually abused by several family members throughout my entire childhood. I repressed it all and the memories flooded back to me in my early 20's. I still battle every day processing this information and realizing what this means for my relationship with my family. It's a limited relationship, after spending a year and half talking to NO ONE in my family.

  5. Seems like it would be better if you can go ahead and stretch into the uncomfortable places to ask what he remembers.

  6. I can relate to the want/need for answers but the fear of asking the questions. It sounds like you have a good handle on how safe that would be right now. I like you; your "tone" and style of writing. Thanks for stopping by. I look forward to getting to know you better.

    And BTW, at the risk of sounding like a commercial, I do a Friday Fragments thing you might be interested in--it's a nice way to tie up random thoughts and an easy/fun post I look forward to every week. Check it out here:

    "See you" this weekend... :)

  7. Or not. I totally understand not wanting to step on a land mine.

  8. just popping back in to say thanks for stopping by the crib

  9. Good luck! I hope after thinking things over you are able to come up with the words you are wishing for. Sounds like tough times. I do hope you are able to heal and get some answers if that is what you are looking for. ((HUGS))