From Tracie: The True Cuss Words

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

The True Cuss Words

I have restrained myself from writing a lot in the past three months. There are more unfinished drafts in my folder than I would like to count. All of them passionate, important, informative, heartfelt, and thoughtful. Some of them less than nice. A few of them very angry. Most of them sad. There are lots of reasons I have held back on hitting that publish button. I go back and forth on it.

These unpublished drafts aren't just about one situation. The past few months have been a perfect storm of garbage, hurt, refuse, lies, betrayal, and confusion. My life has become less an act of intentional living and more a long list of barely controlled verbs and adjectives. Some of these things are highly personal, others not so much. All of them are painful.

I have seen people attacked. I have been attacked. I have been hurt, sad, depressed, and sat with those who are feeling the same. A thesaurus is going to be needed soon to provide enough descriptive words or I will find myself covering it all with a blanket of cuss-words knit together with tears.

~I have been encouraged by people who have made hard choices. Stood strong even when those around them didn't know the full story and lambasted them for what they are doing. Have you had that feeling, the one where you know almost too much about a situation and don't want to burden other's with that knowledge?  You know too much that can't be said, so you wait until you feel free to speak? I am standing there.

~Have you seen other people torn down because of jealousy? People within the community who are supposedly working towards the same goal attacking them?  Last night I read an article questioning someone's survivor story. Calling it at best badly written, and at worst a contrived lie. One thing I found upsetting about this was that I felt some of it boiled down to a political disagreement. I am deeply political. You might not know that from reading my blog, but it is true. There are some situations where political divides have no place. No voice. They do not belong, and this is one of those places. If you do not choose to get involved in laws that protect children, then please move out of the way. You are free to do so. At the same time, please do not bash those who choose to do it. (It is one thing to disagree with a proposed law, and another to personally attack someone involved in it) The more hurtful part comes in the way this person took the writings and words of a survivor and twisted them around to use against her. There is no excuse for this.

~I choose to remain silent when I know that my words can not improve the conversation in blog-land. I do not know enough about what has happened in the past.  I don't like to make decisions (especially about people) without knowing all the sides, but sometimes it is possible to learn a lot without any facts, based solely on how the interested parties are acting. When someone resorts to anonymously bashing another person, when they actively spend minutes or hours of their day campaigning against someone (when neither one of them is running for office), when they bring in friends to say vile and hateful things - all while cloaked in a layer of is a big, flashing, red sign that the person doing those things has issues far beyond this situation. That sign flashes two things. Drama! &  Run Away!

I have spoken and written some very hard truths in my life. I do it out in the open. I do it, knowing that through a simple google search anyone can read it, and knowing that my family does read it. I walk a fine line between speaking out truth and not dragging people into things that they have not agreed to. This is why I don't always use people's names when I write. It is not my place to out their personal stories. I do not try to hurt people, even when they have contributed to my own pain.  I do, however, use my name. I stand by the truth that I speak. I stand by the things that I have written. I don't hide in the shadows in my life. I don't hide in the shadows on my blog. I certainly won't hide in other places. I will not contribute to a hate mongering fest in someone's comment section.

I mentioned that I would need a thesaurus to find enough descriptive words for the past three months, or I was going to resort to cuss-words. Now I'm not so sure that was true. Maybe the real truth is this.....people use the words Shoot instead of Shit, and Darn instead of Damn, and Fudge instead of Fuck, and then excuse themselves by saying those weren't the real words. Not the bad ones. Just placeholders. Maybe Shit, Damn, and Fuck aren't the real words either. Maybe they are just placeholders for the ones that really matter. Lies. Manipulation. Jealousy. Unfounded Accusations. Hateful Words. Hateful Actions. Bullying. Covert Smear Campaigns. Judgements. Betrayal. I am beginning to think that these are the true cuss-words (vulgar and abusive to the core) These are the words that have formed a blanket knit together with tears, dyed red with the blood that these abuses have shed, because words and actions can cut deeper and hurt worse than a knife when used skillfully and intentionally against another other person.


  1. I love you so much. I'm so proud to call you my friend. This is why I'm by your side no matter what. You are true to your word and true to your convictions, and I don't care what other people have to say about where I stand. As long as I'm standing with someone who gets it, someone like you... I'm good.

  2. Tracie, how refreshing. You are so real and I love you. I love you for who you are and what you stand for. Keep on looking UP, my warrior sister!

  3. Meggs sounds like an awesome friend!

    I'm so sorry you're going through so much, but I've learned the tough times in life are what strengthen us. It's not pleasant, but it does make you appreciate it when it's over and things are running smoothly again.

  4. oh WOW.
    My eyes are opened.
    I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm sorry your friend is hurting. I'm sorry that negativity even exists in this world. Esp. the bloggy world.
    It's time for US to take a stance.
    We are this bloggy community. LEt's make it a happy place.
    I love ya!
    I wish that NOBODY ever had bad times BUT when we do, it makes us appreciate the better times all the more. Am I right?
    Well it does for me anyway.
    Love ya!

  5. I LOVE you, Miss Tracie! I'm so sorry that you are struggling with such pain right now!

    Negativity seems to run in cycles on blogs and I think it is about to peak. Seems like I have read a lot of blogs and blog frog threads about people being unnecessarily unkind. I will never understand how causing pain to another can make someone feel better about their own life!


  6. 'My life has become less an act of intentional living and more a long list of barely controlled verbs and adjectives'

    Wow this is powerful please don't keep your words from us - they help! I'm really sorry its been like this though. I hope some how you get some quality time soon - Sounds like its overdue and you deserve only the best

  7. If that article was poorly written - as I am sure it was - then this was a work of genus.

    I am so sorry for the crap that you have had to endure lately. I think it is brave and terrific that you are standing up for yourself and your friend.

    Keep up the good that you are doing in this world. We need more advocates like you.

  8. Diana Georgia


    Speak your truth, my sister!

  9. You have such a kind heart. *Hugs*

  10. Try to remember that, first and foremost, you are blogging for yourself. Peace.

  11. I bow to your eloquence with words, I cheer for your ability to hold our tongue in situations cause we all know that ain't me. I agree with you wholeheartedly and who called a survivor story and Lie? Point me in their direction cause it will be all over but the shouting. That is one thing I will not tolerate as a survivor myself. Just because YOU cannot fathom that kind of horror happening in today's society , trust me it does , that and so much more that is an undercurrent in the world..

  12. I don't know what you're going through but just know I love you, I adore you and I am standing by you. You add light into my world and I am grateful that I know you.

  13. Life is like a roller coaster, up and downs and sometime very deep downs or very high ups ! I wish you only the ups !

  14. Mean people suck! Thank you for saying so.

  15. I love you and miss you and am praying for you! Sometimes it'e depressing when we realize just how much is wrong with the world today and how evil (because there is no other word) people can be- to other people no less! That's why what you are doing is so so so important. Don't let people ever stop you from the work to which the Lord has called you- I'm praying for your strenghth... juvenile as this sounds, I love that you just out and out cussed in this post!!! Bloody brilliant!!!!!! :) Love you and am supporting you all the way!

  16. Oh girl... I can feel the angst in your words... Hate you are going through such a hard time. But sometimes life is just hard, isnt it? Things & people & words & situations come at us sometimes - but you'll make it through. Vent when you need to vent... say what you need to say... you have people out here who will listen & not judge...

    Hoping days are soon brighter for you!


  17. Mika from Not Really Homeschooling and I are working on a series of posts about Civility in the Blogahood. Please stop by for some encouragement - and support! When people come to your bloghome and attack - it is very uncomfortable!

  18. Tracie,
    Your writing always has such a raw realness to it. I admire you for putting it all out there like that.

  19. I adore and admire you so much. Thank you for sharing YOUR heart, YOUR words and YOUR truth. I love you. More than words.

  20. It was the first truth I ever realized in recovery is for the abused to do something, anything to become proactive. Write a letter or a blog post. Confront ignorance by spreading information. There is no downside to this because it is the fight of our lives. However, I learned years ago something that applies here. One can not be loved less the can risk being hated, among other things. Survivors who are proactive are getting well. Others who can not risk in their own life can only sit on the sidelines and criticize.. and are about healing. You have risked much and for much gain for yourself and others who look up to you. I love you and will always be thankful for knowing the likes of you.

  21. THIS is why I believe in you, follow you, and adore you so much. You are real, you are strong, and you are unafraid. You make smart decisions, you stand up for yourself, and you tell us all exactly how it should be. I love you for it. And respect you immensely. Your daughter is gonna be a hell of a woman, too.