From Tracie: Umbrellas Are A Conspiracy And A Lie

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Umbrellas Are A Conspiracy And A Lie

Umbrellas are basically a hoax, right? All that opening and closing. All that coordination. All that mental dexterity. I am not an umbrella person. Even though I stand underneath the umbrella, the rain still gets me. I can't be the only one with this problem. This has been the case my whole life. As I've gotten older, I've learned to embrace the rain, and not use umbrellas at all.

It drives Thomas crazy. He has attempted to school me in the ways of the umbrella, without success. He says you have to be smarter than the umbrella. Whatever that means.

This evening Thomas and I walked to the post office in the rain. It was a light rain, so we only brought one umbrella. My idea. We should have been able to share one umbrella, walking hand in hand like two lovers on a postcard, or like the Hollies' song Bus Stop.

I realize now, after trying it, that it takes some kind of X-Man super power for two people to walk under one umbrella.

Tracie: My purse is getting wet.

Thomas: Tilt the umbrella a little more to the left.

Tracie: The wind keeps blowing the umbrella around. It's pushing it back.

Thomas: That's not the wind. There is no wind. That's the side of my head.

Tracie: Why are you moving away from me? Don't you love me? Aren't you worried about getting wet?

Thomas: It's alright if I get wet. Your feet are wet, so it's kind of fair that my head should get wet, too. This proves I love you. Plus, it is safer over here on the street by the cars.

At this point he mumbled something about sharp objects and eye patches. I knew he was right. I can't use umbrellas. I've known it my whole life, and at this point it has become a safety issue. Umbrellas are a conspiracy and a lie.

Girl With Pink Polka Dot Umbrella
Katarina: able to use an umbrella without getting wet or endangering her family.

By the time we reached the post office, we were both soaking wet. Next time Thomas declares he will bring his own umbrella and a first aid kit. Maybe we will battle each other. Since umbrellas are unable to keep anyone dry anyway, we should have some fun.

Does the rain fall sideways under your umbrella to attack you?

*NaBloPoMo hates umbrellas, but loves the rain.

27 comments:

  1. Umbrellas are stupid I'm a hoodie girl.

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    Replies
    1. I'm right there with you! Hoodies are the best.

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  2. Hahaha!
    Umbrellas are useless in Malaysia - the rain is so heavy here. Unless you have a golf umbrella and those things are made for giants.

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    1. Those things are crazy. I can't even imagine trying to carry one. I would probably impale people...or myself. The bigger the umbrella, the higher the danger!

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  3. I'm totally okay with getting wet since I suck at using umbrellas as well and end up wet anyway. :-)

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    1. It is good to know I'm not the only one with this issue!

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  4. I love umbrellas! I never seem to manage to get any kind of rain appropriate outerwear, so it's my umbrella. I may be the only person in the world who wears out umbrellas.

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    1. I am very impressed by your umbrella abilities.

      I do have a very cute umbrella. It has book quotes on it. I will probably never wear it out.

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  5. I'm from the Pacific Northwest, so I see umbrellas as a sign of weakness, and much prefer a jacket with a hood so my hands are free and my loved ones' eyes are safe. I live in CT now, so I see umbrellas everywhere. My husband and I think it's hilarious and adorable.

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    1. "My husband and I think it's hilarious and adorable."

      Oh my gosh. This is the best comment ever!!

      I should live in the PACNW. I would fit in well up there.

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  6. I'm forbidden to use umbrellas in my husband's presence. Too many near misses. I can see his point.

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    1. Ha! My husband feels your husband's pain. Literally! ;-)

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  7. This made me crack up. Yes, umbrellas are a hoax and yes the rain definitely falls sideways just to attack me. I used to hate to go to school with my ankles and shoes wet. My teacher would tell me to use an umbrella. I'd tell her that I did but they're very bad at protecting ankles.
    She couldn't argue against that one.

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    1. See? Umbrellas really don't make sense. And they don't protect ankles at all. Maybe the rain is just attracted to our sparkly personalities, and wants to be closer to us?

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  8. Sounds to me like you could use a Nubrella Tracie! ;) Seriously, though, I am 100% with you on this one...I find them totally useless, too!-Ashley

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    1. Hahahaha! Maybe that IS the answer!! ;-)

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  9. I usually wear a hat but i can't stand umbrellas because we get wet regardless.

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  10. To quote a few others, I'm from the PACNW, umbrellas are BS. I'm also a hoodie person. Or a beanie. Or a combination of both if the wind is super cold. I've never found a method that keeps my feet absolutely dry and warm. We should work on that.
    And I want to have an umbrella fight but we don't own any :(
    (Because we're from the PACNW and umbrellas are BS.)

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    1. Clearly I belong in the PACNW (but you already knew that)!

      Hoodies are awesome. I could knit my own beanies. This is a recipe for awesomeness.

      Umbrellas are BS. Word.

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  11. HAHA I love love this! I posted once about the umbrella being turned upside down in the rain pre-maybe-hurricane while waiting for my dog to poop. So yeah, I can totally relate and actually rarely ever bring one anywhere, myself. It's just easier (and safer) to get wet. I also break them for some reason. Not on purpose.

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  12. ahahaha!! This is awesome. I decided as a teenager that umbrellas were "uncool"...and have henceforward decided not to use them. Who ever said getting a little wet was a bad thing?

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  13. Never owned an umbrella before college and only got to use it once. Forgot and left it under my chair in the first class I went to. Someone else liked my umbrella too. It was not where I left it when I went back to get it. I use a jacket with a hoodie or a rain cape that I have that I absolutely love. It keeps me dry and I can't put it down somewhere and forget it if I am wearing it. Sharing an embrella with my husband means some part of both of us gets wet. He is also bad about losing embrellas or not remembering where he left it. Such a cute post. Love it. Made me chuckle.

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  14. I barely ever use umbrellas! When I was visiting my aunt and uncle in Oregon (where it rains at all times) my uncle kept giving me an umbrella to borrow, and I was like, "Huh?" I couldn't even open it and I just about broke it twice. I'd rather just put my hood up and deal with the rain!

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  15. I think Nancy should provide step by step instructions over on YouTube. She could use different types of rain to teach us how to use the umbrella in different life situations. Because yes umbrellas are a hoax. Rain laughs in the face of my Totes umbrellas. ;)

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  16. I only use an umbrella if I've spent a long time curling my hair for something or if I'm going to be outside somewhere cold for a long time, like a football game. Other than that, I'm a rain girl.

    Maybe you should try a sports umbrella. They're much larger and easily fit two people. Most umbrellas are only designed for one. And if you have kids, you might be trying to use a child-size umbrella. I don't know about you, but that won't work for me.

    I think the real purpose of umbrellas is for children to dance around with them. Maybe you should try more umbrella dancing. I will if you will.

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  17. I don't bother with an umbrella unless it is totally pouring. I don't mind my feet getting a little wet, I just hate getting water on my GLASSES. Sometimes I just put them in my purse, but then someone will say Hi to me and I have no idea who it is because my vision is so bad. But yes, sharing an umbrella with someone else is an exercise in futility. #SITSSharefest

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