From Tracie: Social Media Makes Me Stronger (And Less Depressed)

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Social Media Makes Me Stronger (And Less Depressed)

One of the local morning news shows had a story explaining how social media leads to depression, especially in mothers trying to live up to an impossible standard. It is hardly a new story, but I'll give you a paraphrase of what they said...
"Social media gives an unrealistic vision of what is happening in people's lives. Pinterest shows us pictures of perfect houses and mothers creating elaborate crafts. Facebook is full of our friend's children wearing cute outfits and beaming smiles while they vacation at amazing resorts and say only cute things. Instagram points out all the fancy restaurant dinners everyone else is eating. Social media is mostly a game of "I'm a perfect mom and you aren't!" This makes you feel bad, and leads to depression. Probably everyone should just get off of social media and live in the real world. Oh, but first, leave us a comment on our facebook page telling us what you think about social media and depression."
There was some truth to this news story. People do tend to present themselves at their best on social media. They share the one good picture they took that day instead of the 50 bad ones. They tell you the cute thing their kid said, without telling you about disrespectful backtalk and rooms left unclean. When bloggers share a craft tutorial, they don't show you the blury pictures of failed crafting attempts. It can seem like you are surrounded by perfect people living charmed lives.

But you know in your heart that isn't true. We all have issues and burdens to bear. The problem is, when you are already depressed (actually depressed - not just a little sad or more than a little jealous), the dark cloud in your mind makes it hard to see past the perfect wrapping presented on social media to the truth inside your friend's lives.

This doesn't mean social media is causing depression.

And the news story certainly didn't give a balanced view of what happens on social media. In fact, I don't think it was a good example at all. It certainly doesn't represent what happens in my internet life every day. Sure I see all those perfect updates and pictures as I scroll through my newsfeed, but I see a whole lot more than that.

Social Media Makes Me Stronger And Less Depressed

Social media has been a lifeline for me. When my daughter was a baby, and I was dealing with postpartum depression and a resurgence of feelings, flashbacks, and memories from a childhood full of sexual abuse, I found hope and support in an online forum for sexual abuse and rape survivors. That message board eventually helped to lead me to blogging and social media.

How do I use social media?

Between work and personal use, I am on social media for most of the day. I check my facebook just like you do. I hit the like button on happy updates and cute pictures, and offer prayers for difficult situations. Sometimes I feel that prick of jealousy when I see yet another fabulous vacation, new house, or professional family photograph. I'll be honest, my family lives in a hotel (a motel, really). Life is not always rosy, and even though I know we are very blessed to have the things we do, I am no stranger to jealousy. But when I think about my friends and family, I want good things for them. So I rejoice with them. The way they rejoice with me when I share something good or special. I focus on the good. That is the most basic social media interaction, but it isn't the lifeline I mentioned before.

When I said social media has been a lifeline, I am talking about interactions that many of you never see. Social media has given me safe spaces to reach for a hand on hard days, and to be that hand on better days. I'm involved in groups on facebook: survivor groups, motherhood support groups, Bible study groups, a group with very special women who are sisters of my heart, and some groups with lighter focuses like blogging, writing, and book clubs. There are also twitter chats, blogs, and personal interactions in emails and private messages. All of these things have a common thread - they are a place of connection. They are safe spaces where I can share the hard things I might not be ready to shout out to the entire world right this second, but do need to say to someone. They are spaces where I can laugh, and spaces where I can learn about new things.

I have found amazing friendships on social media. People who live on the other side of the country, or even in other countries, who are closer to my heart than my next door neighbors. This is my community. Not to say I don't have friends in my "real world" life who are also supportive and close to my heart; I do. But social media makes it possible to connect with people who are dealing with the same issues you are in real time.

With social media, you can have a supportive group without having to find a babysitter to attend a weekly meeting. I know there are people I can contact at any time of the day or night, and I will be supported completely. I know I am not alone. I'm not saying social media will cure depression, but I am saying it can make the journey easier. It has helped to make me stronger, and I have found real encouragement and support as I practice better self-care.

Social Media is what you make of it.

You might need to step back and take a break from social media. If you are really battling depression, social media isn't the entire cause, and the entire answer to your depression probably isn't to leave social media completely. Speak to a doctor about your depression, and then take that social media break. Use it as an opportunity to reevaluate how you are using social media. Maybe you need to unfriend certain people or hide their updates from your feed for a while. Maybe you need to limit your Pinterest use to searching for specific things, and then quickly logging off after you have found them. Maybe you need to lead the charge of sharing more openly and honestly the hard and difficult things as well as the seemingly perfect pictures and cute kid moments.

Social media is an opportunity to share you heart, and your passions, with a wider audience. It is an opportunity for you to connect with other people in a new way, and build a community that nourishes your soul.

people are doing good things in social media

When I think of people sitting in front of their computers, feeling bad about themselves because they aren't living up to an invisible standard represented in seemingly perfect pictures, I want to take their hands and lead them to the people who are doing good work in social media. The people who offer support and encouragement, not judgement; people like Mama's Comfort Camp, Band Back Together, Postpartum Progress, Spoons 4 Spoonies, #PPDChat, #SexAbuseChat, #MHSM, #MHBlogsListen To Your MotherTo Write Love On Her ArmsTen Things Of Thankful, Pour Your Heart Out, 100x100 Challenge, She Reads Truth, and so many others. I don't spend much time in health-focused communities, but I have friends who have benefited greatly from groups that focus on health and running. Some of them even have special apps you can use to stay connected.

If you don't have those kind of connections and support in your personal social media, I want to encourage you to reach out for them. Find people who are walking the same path you are, and spend your online time with them. You will see a difference in how you feel when you shut down the computer or set aside your phone at the end of the day.

Do you think social media causes or contributes to depression?
What supportive communities are you involved with on social media?

Feel free to name names and leave links to your favorite supportive groups and communities in the comments if you are comfortable sharing. I want people to know there are resources out there, and give them a place to start connecting.

48 comments:

  1. Tracie, I couldn't agree more. I actually started out during my first pregnancy connecting with other women online and that only grew over the years into blogging and so much more. So definitely do think and agree that social media is what you make of it.

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    1. I'm so glad you found those connections during your pregnancy. I think any time we have a big life change (even something amazing like a pregnancy), there can be a sense of isolation, and it makes a huge difference to have a supportive community around us.

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  2. I think that if you are already depressed, certain aspects of social media can be depressing if you view them through the wrong lens. When my depression is strong, looking at happy people vacationing on FB can start a bad inner monologue, but then I scroll through and see someone who is fighting cancer or something and it's like a slap across the face. And when I'm not depressed, I love seeing my family and friends be happy, even if I'm a little jealous sometimes (I have cousins who live in Hawaii, what can I say?). Plus, I've met so many wonderful and kind people through social media - it's what saved me after having 2 kids in 15 months and moving across country and quitting my job.

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    1. Definitely it can trigger feelings that are already there - just like books or tv or anything else can. I just feel like the media strives to put such a negative spin on it, especially as it relates to women and mothers, when there can be so much good to be found.

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  3. I agree with you. When I realized that my son has special needs, I felt so alone and sad and cheated and like nobody got it. I found hope and people just like me who totally get it - on social media. I am grateful to bloggers, writers, and my friends online who I can reach out to and admit that my own family has hurt my feelings when not knowing how to deal with my little boy. Thanks for this.

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    1. You are so very welcome. I'm glad you have found your supportive community and safe place.

      I don't have a child with special needs, but I have spent time reading blogs by mothers who do, and it has opened my eyes to so many things I did not know or had never though of. I'm thankful for that, as it has helped me to become more aware and compassionate.

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  4. So true, it's great to connect with people that are having the same experiences and trials and get encouragement. I think social media can be a tool that is so helpful!

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    1. I think looking at it as a tool is the key. You use it the way you need. Just like a screwdriver hammer can be used to break a glass case, it can also be used to secure a nail in the wall so a beautiful picture can be hung.

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  5. I've definitely gained so much from the moms I've met through social media. I have my real life friends and my online friends, and sometimes they overlap.

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    1. I have some overlapping in my online and real life friends as well. It is always wonderful to have someone, who has only existed in your computer, join your "real" world.

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  6. I'm in the bloppy group with you. I read more than I participate. But I do agree that the world of SM - more so the interaction from people I see all the time - makes me feel good. It's hard to answer your question though. I think social media would contribute to depression if you are hiding behind it. You know? Excellent read.

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    1. There are a lot of times I am quietly reading and not participating - in Bloppies and so many other groups. I think those times, when I'm quiet and withdrawn, can be the times I need those groups the most.

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  7. I'm with you...it was totally a lifeline to the outside (and grown up) world when I was chained to an infant, sleep deprived and geographically isolated. I agree that even just being a social media fly on the wall can be theraputic. #typeaparent #bloppies

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  8. What an honest and powerful post describing exactly how the internet can save and encourage and support people in their lives. I'm so glad it has done that for you Tracie. XO

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  9. This is a beautiful post. I have used social media to seek comfort and connection and it works. I don't know where I'd be without Facebook and blogging. Would my career have taken off the way it sort of has? Not huge..but something.
    And don't be jealous if you see pro family photos! Next time I get down to Florida, I'll take yours!!

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  10. It;s totally true. I will take 400 selfies before I take one that I am happy with and I only post the best one LOL.

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  11. What a great post! I agree that social media is such a great way to connect with like-minded people, but I've also trained myself to put down the phone and log off of the computer on particularly down days so that I can bring the focus back to all of the wonderful things in MY life. One of my favorite quotes is one that I actually came across on Pinterest and is something that I remind myself of daily, "Comparison is the thief of joy." -Theodore Roosevelt. Words to live by!!

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  12. I definitely think it is important to put down the phone and get off the computer. Although it is great to connect with friends on FB, it is much more important to get together with them and really talk and connect with real, live people....especially our family!!! But sometimes we can't share our feelings with family and friends so connecting with like minded people and support groups can really help!! After moving to a new town, FB helped me to connect with all of my old friends and this helped me to not be so depressed...so it can definitely help!!!

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  13. ok not sure where they're coming from exactly but I'm with you on this. It makes me definitely stronger. I love seeing smiling faces of children, that always brings a smile to my face and although I don't have professional photo shoots I do take quite a bit of photos of my own kids. Social media is a place for me to connect with others and that lifts me up especially when I'm feeling down.

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  14. ((Hugs)) :) Yes! Truth! Love this (and you!)

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  15. I totally agree. Social Media definitely shows the good side of everyone. You tend to only see one side of someone's life and it's often the perfect one. Social media can be super addicting also. I have really pulled myself away from it the past year to spend more time with my daughter and I am much much happier without it.

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  16. I think that as a blogger and social media enthusiast I can't say that I haven't benefitted greatly from it. However, I do find that sometimes when I am feeling down, I need to stay off of social media for a little while because it does tend to make me feel worse.

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  17. I Belong To Many A few I Stop Being Members Of Because Of Certain Negativity We Need To Help Each Other NOT BASH EACH OTHER. Love This Post You Make Great Points You Have Been Very Helpful Thank You!

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  18. I think the affects of social media on a person depend on so many factors that it is difficult to make a broad statement about it. But this brings up some interesting points.

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  19. I think a connection with some great supportive people can help.

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  20. Great view and defense of social media. As long as people remember to live their lives outside of social media instead of letting it pass them by as they are stuck to their screens.

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  21. We found so much help those first years on the internet starting in 1998 with Many Voices Press. It was the life line there was not available in my real world. I started one of the first groups on msn so others could share what ever they needed to. I still enjoy watching others grow online, and now there is so much information and so many places to find support it amazes me. Thank you for still sharing parts of your life with us all. Hugs

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  22. I agree with you! I have met sooo many amazing people through social media and the internet and am thankful for that!

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  23. I have found so many great friends through social media. Yes, it's easy to get caught up in comparisons but that's not just limited to social media. Social media allows to connect with many more people with similar interests that I might not otherwise meet.

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  24. I think social media has a tendency to amplify whatever your current mindset is. If it's positive, you're more likely to come out feeling more satisfied. It really has been a great way for me to connect with other like-minded people, but I did have to take some time away from Facebook because I wasn't getting much work done for a while!

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  25. I did not put much thought into the friendships made until I went on a few blogging trips and realized you do develop friendships via social media

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  26. I have been blogging for 5 years and I have learned many things and seen many things. Social media has it's ups and downs and sometimes brings out the worst and best in people. Amazes me.

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  27. Wow I dont think I would be able to deal with my pregnancy all alone in US facebook allows me to talk to my family 4k miles away when ever I need it or just talk to them 24/7

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  28. Friends I have met through social media have been so encouraging during my mom's illness!

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  29. It's really a lifeline for so many people. It's an immediate source of support pretty much 24/7 if you need it.

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  30. This is a really interesting post, Tracie. I don't have facebook, but I do have pretty much every other form of social media. I don't use any of them a lot, but I really like instagram and find that it challenges me to find the beauty in every day. Blogging and the networking that goes with it really helped me through a very difficult period in my life when I was in a horrible relationship and was extremely isolated socially. It gave me something positive to focus on so I could channel my thoughts away from all the negative things going on. I agree with you that social media is what we make of it. If it causes us to compare ourselves to others, it's not a good thing. If it helps us feel less isolated and more creative and able to express ourselves, then it's definitely a good thing.

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  31. I agree and I agree. Yes there is some different truth to the depression linked between Moms and social media. Especially that need to do better or you see all of the stuff on Pinterest and fail at making it, lol. However I also see the great connections that can be made on Social Media- which is where it can be beneficial. I think if you get depressed about what you see on SM then maybe there was a deeper program already there (not saying you Tracie, but in general lol). But yes great tips on making SM productive for you!

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  32. I was very lonely at home when I discovered social media. One day and I was already hooked.

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  33. Amazing post! I can say that social media was my lifeline when my marriage was falling apart. I took it to the extreme though and became very addicted to it, I'm a social media addict in recovery right now. Keep up the great work, hugs to you and keep on writing and inspiring others to share their stories because I think that is how we help each other out of the dark : )

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  34. Social media can cause emotional rollercoasters for me at times, but on the whole, I agree that it's great to have when feeling in a funk!

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  35. I have always felt deeply connected to online friends - and the person I am on and offline is pretty much one and the same. I was talking to a friend the other day and she mentioned her "online persona" as being different than who she really is - I guess that didn't occur to me. Just the other day I was concerned my instagram followers might not like my photo of homelessness and then I reminded myself I'm an activist and that is as much a part of who I am as life coach or writer or mother or storyteller. Thanks for the thoughtful post. Great stuff.

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  36. This was such a great article, Tracie. I agree completely. I do think people who might get depressed because of what they see on facebook were already in trouble before then. I also agree with what Kelly Stallings said. Sometimes I find others to be a real inspiration.

    Loved meeting you and visiting your blog. Glad I found you on the share fest. Happy Saturday! xo ~Topaz

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  37. Thanks for being brave enough to share a lot of intimate information about your own journey. Social media has enabled me to meet some fantastic people whom I consider friends for life. The ones I work closely with and spend more than a few minutes online with are those that at some point get a bigger glimpse into my life, and I into theirs. I have a theory about social media. Some people are not equipped to have the kind of relationship that is the result of this kind of interaction. Their grasp on reality is not great enough to navigate the murky waters of a relationship built on keystroke information and random pictures. There is a certain amount of anonymity in texting, IMing, inboxing and posting. Eventually, the relationship moves forward to the place of engagement or it stays in the stage of the process that will never become more than associative. This is not for everyone.

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  38. "SOCIAL MEDIA IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT." Exactly!! Thanks for a great post!!

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  39. I love this, Tracie. It makes so much sense.

    All of it.

    And I love social media - it brought me YOU! :D Yipee!! But seriously, so much good and so many connections. I can get how it can isolate someone, but for me it's just brought me so many someones who are MY PEOPLE. xo

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  40. Oh, Tracie. I love this. I do think social media can cause a little bit more stress when we look at everyone's "perfect" lives- the crafts, the activities, etc. But I think it's only a small portion of people who only present the perfect. The rest of us are sharing very real struggles that we probably wouldn't admit to the mom standing beside us on the playground(that's the entire premise of my blog- what I can't say to someone I just bump into, but can share online). Social media has made me feel less alone and brought me some of my very best friends.

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  41. I am such a jerk for just now reading this, especially since you gave a shout out for Spoons 4 Spoonies. Thank you, my dear sister of my heart. You are certainly a lifeline for me in the great big interwebs and I am forever grateful that we've "met."

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    1. You are never a jerk! And you were probably using all that time to work on Spoons 4 Spoonies, which is much more important than leaving blog comments!! <3 I'm forever grateful that we have met, too.

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