Sometimes Lori will pass out points to very lucky readers....or deduct points. Beware. Lori gets to do that because she is the keeper of the points. Every morning when I drink my coffee, out of my very own In Pursuit of Martha Points Mug, I am reminded that making that cup of coffee gives me 10 points, and I smile.
Lori is also the organizer of the wildly exciting fund raiser, Project: Purse and Boots that has been making it's way across the country.
Quest for Celebrity
I want to be famous.
I was born for it.
I have all sorts of syllables in my name, it’s hugely lyrical. I’m really good at getting in and out of the back seats of cars and my arm is just the right shape to cradle bouquets of flowers.
Sadly, I was born to boring people.
I have no trust fund, no media empire, no estate, no oil fields and no pedigree.
And then, to make matters worse, I never got around to inventing the internet OR Facebook. I meant to write the Harry Potter books but I was just too busy, and then while I was in the middle of developing a fact-based show about tribal competition in various remote locations, “Survivor” came on the air and ruined it all for me.
But I’ve been practicing my whole life.
I spent most of my teenaged years rehearsing my Oscar Acceptance Speech for Best Original Screenplay in front of the bathroom mirror. I turned bathrobes into strapless evening gowns for my debut at the Met. I have tried on no fewer than 4,000 pairs of sunglasses to ensure that I found the pair that most flatteringly framed my face while concealing my identity from the paparazzi.
I have cultivated my “Really? For me?” gift-getting voice as well as my, “Get the hell out of my way!” imperious command. It took a couple of weeks, but I can arch an eyebrow better than Marlena Deitrich, and my coy smile would be the envy of Vivien Leigh. I can out-shout Bill O’Reilly or trade barbs with Stephen Colbert. If only they would invite me on their shows!
They could take me on as a protégé. Both of them. It could be a contest. Or, better yet, a reality tv show! Project: Battle Bimbo. Or Fame-Watch! Or… The Next Iron Maiden!
Clearly, I am a force to be reckoned with.
I don’t know what’s holding me back. Certainly I should be able to overcome the minor inconvenience of being born to a family obviously beneath me, as well as that minor little stumbling block of never having done anything to be famous for. And yet I remain trapped in persistent obscurity.
I have long suspected a conspiracy, I just can’t prove anything yet.
Conspirators are secretive. They’re a tricky group to catch in the act.
But I stand by my destiny.
Or, I will stand by my destiny as soon as I can find it.
I think it got into a taxi with Paris Hilton.