From Tracie: I'm Not Answering The Phone (But I Still Love You - Or At Least Like You)

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

I'm Not Answering The Phone (But I Still Love You - Or At Least Like You)

I remember when phones didn't come with us everywhere. When it was still kind of a big deal to have a cordless phone in your house, and knowing that the phone would no longer work if you walked too many steps past your front door. I remember how my friends with siblings had to share phone time, because unlike Claudia Kishi, most of us only had one line.

I remember when the majority of my friends didn't have call waiting, and when I was the only one in our group to have 3-way calling service. And I even remember when there wasn't always an answering machine to pick up when people weren't home, and those days when there was no caller ID to let you know if you really did want to answer that call.

I spent a lot of time on the phone when I was a kid. Long summer afternoons. Late nights. It wasn't often far from me. I think my parents even put a phone on my birthday cake when I turned 13.

But as much as I loved the phone, and used it nearly constantly, I also have fond memories of times spent without the phone. The phone was for at home time. When you couldn't be with your friends in person, you had to call them to connect. It was nice to have that option, but it wasn't always possible. And usually there was a point in which a parent on one of the ends of the phone line would restrict the hours spent talking. If you were away from the house, pay phones were the only way to get in touch with someone, and they would only last until your quarter ran out.

Thomas is suspicious of the pay phone at Disney World

When I was 18 I got my first cell phone. It had a very simple snake game on it, but that was pretty much as exciting as it got. There was no texting, and I was calculating minutes in my mind each month to make sure I didn't get hit with crazy overages. Still, it was nice to have a phone that worked anywhere (in theory - there were a lot of cell phone dead spots back then).

I am still a little amazed at having a smartphone - which is basically a small computer in my pocket that can also make phone calls. It is rare for that phone to be far away from me, especially when I'm out of the house. But that doesn't mean I'm going to answer it just because it rings. Or that I'm going to respond to a text message or email right that second just because I hear the little water droplet notification noise.

If you aren't my husband, my kid, or possibly my mom, I'm not answering my phone in a restaurant. Period. And if you are one of those people, I'm having a super quick conversation mostly to ascertain if you are bleeding or not, and then telling you I will call back.

In fact, if you aren't my husband, my kid, or possibly my mom, I'm not answering my phone a lot of the time: During a great tv show. When I'm writing. While I'm in a store. In the car (even if I'm not the one driving). If I'm having a great conversation with someone in front of me. During dinner, or even a particularly yummy snack. While I'm listening to NPR with my family on Sunday night. In the middle of work. When I don't want to take a break from my book. Or when I'm in the bathroom for any reason.

You see, just because I have a phone, and you have the number, doesn't mean I am required to talk to you at the exact second you decide to call. This isn't a slight. It applies to people I love very much, and with whom I always enjoy talking. It really isn't about you at all. It is about me. About my boundaries. About me being present in the moment I am in, and not connecting with the place I am not every second of the day. About me not being distracted.

This is true of social media, too. I will pop on for a few seconds to update something in the moment, or to share a picture while I'm out doing something, but it I usually won't be responding to comments or interactions until I get home. And 90% of the time, the status update or picture won't actually get posted until I'm home, either. I'm in the moment. I'm WITH the people I'm with.

Of course there are exceptions. There are times when I need to be out of the moment, or I need to reach out for support right away. There are times when I want to update facebook right that second, and I do it. There are even times when I make a quick call to ask a question or check up on someone, even though I'm riding in the car or on the way to an outing with my family or a friend. I'm not unreachable. But I am aware that most of the time things can wait for a couple of hours.

These are my boundaries. I don't expect you to share them. But if you do, know that I will never be insulted that you didn't answer your phone for me because you were doing something else. I don't think it is a reflection of how much you care about me, but could very well be a reflection of how much you care about yourself.

I remember those days of walking away from the house and leaving the phone behind, and in almost every instance, it was okay. So while I will always have my phone with me these days, I might not always act like it.

Do you feel like you have to answer the phone when it rings? 

32 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh I think I had the same first cell phone as you! Haha. I'm with you. I don't always respond to the dings coming from my phone.

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  2. I admit I feel guilty when my phone rings for calls, emails and more, but I do think you are right that we need to walk away more and not always be as on top of the phone and incoming calls and such.

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  3. I hate the phone and almost never answer it. I almost never listen to voice mails, either. People know to text or email me.

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  4. Amen! I just said the other day that I kind of miss the days when people just got your answering machine and had to wait for you to call them back! Now they expect you to pick up whenever wherever!

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  5. I have become so connected that if I don't answer my phone, I get antsy. The only time I won't answer is at a restaurant or a movie. That's just rude.

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  6. I don't always answer, but really the only person who calls me a lot is the hubby. Others usually text. I think it's kind of sad that we do not "talk" as much as we used to, you know? I can totally relate to your description up there about having phones when we were kids/teenagers. Aw the memories...

    And what is that thing that dude is pointing to up there? ;-p

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  7. I pretty much always answer my phone. I'm a talker.. and being at home I don't get to chat much so.. I like to chit chat :)

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  8. I remember the snake game - it was so fun! I always have my phone on me but it's usually on silent. I'm in no rush to answer it.

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  9. I don't always answer my phone. There are moments that I just can't. If I'm with my family, then I probably don't HAVE to answer the phone. (If it's my parents or grandparents calling, I'll answer. And daycare. I try to answer anytime they call.)

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  10. I don't always have the best feeling when my phone rings, so I understand where you're coming from. But if I see it's a friend or family member reaching out to me, I answer it. I figure if the people I love are making the effort to pick up the phone and call me, answering is a simple way to show my respect.

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  11. Agreed. My husband and I are both on the same page with this one, and we're teaching our kids this as well. If we're in a restaurant, at the movies (in the theater or at home), or in the middle of a conversation, that phone goes unanswered.

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  12. I remember those days too - my kids would be amazed at how we lived through such horrors :) Speaking of my kids, they are the only people I will answer my phone for. Everyone else can leave a message and I'll call back at my leisure. I have much more important things to do than be interrupted by a phone call from a bored relative.

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  13. I will answer a text before I will answer the phone. I don't usually answer the phone unless it is a family member.

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  14. I don't always feel the need to answer the phone when it rings. But I am always scared that there's an emergency if it's family calling.

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  15. Phones have changed so much since I was a kid. I feel the need to answer the phone more now.

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  16. This is really so true. Some people think missing a call or waiting to respond to a text is like slapping someone in the face.

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  17. I think it is rude to answer your phone while at a restaurant unless you excuse yourself and leave the room but only if you think it might be truly important. Also phones should be kept in handbags in the back seat of the car if you are driving that way you are not tempted to answer it or look at the text till you have pulled over and it's safe

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  18. No one but my husband or clients ever calls me so I have to answer my phone. Can't afford to miss a call.

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  19. I always silence my phone at meals. I think it takes away from eating as a family.

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  20. I love the Claudia Kishi reference!
    I used to talk on the phone for hours, now it makes my heart pound. What gives? I do answer it, but only when convenient. I don't feel I have to because I have two young kids so people probably expect my voicemail!

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  21. I have a trac phone by choice and I'm glad. If someone grouches at me about not answering I tell them it eats up minutes and the phone is just for emergency. :)

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  22. I usually don't answer my phone ever. Unless it's one of my kids or their school. I miss the days when it was just home phones, seemed so much simpler back then and not having to worry about forgetting a cell or charging it!

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  23. I'm so with you on this. I don't always answer b/c I'm busy with something else or it's just not a good time to talk. Or if I do answer b/c I want to make sure it's not an emergency, I'll quickly pop back off if it's not.

    I've had to remind myself about this with emails, too. That just because I DO see that email while I'm out somewhere or when I'm already in bed for the night doesn't mean it needs a response right away. I try to be quick with responses, but I've had to realize what really needs a response now and what can wait just a little bit.

    Btw: Claudia Kishi? LOVE.

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  24. I dont answer when in a good show or movie is playing(even watching on tv) Most know I don't do phone at meals as well.

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  25. I don't care for talking on the phone much at all, but I definitely agree with their being boundaries. It's nice to disconnect from the phone/texting/computer and present.

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  26. The only time I answer my phone is when my mother calls. And that is just because she is older and I am always worried something is wrong. A few years ago she called at like 5am and had been in pain since about 3am waiting for a suitable time to call me. We had to rush her to the ER. It was awful.

    When I was younger I talked on the phone all the time. Would even hide in my closet just to make late night phone calls. I was about 20 when I got my first cell phone in the mid 90s. It was a brick too. LOL

    I hate smartphones. I have one. I dont use it for games. I dont use it for calendars. All these thing that are supposed to make your life easier. Nah. Not for me. I'll stick to paper and an old fashioned planner.

    I text. I check email if I am waiting on something and away from my PC. I dont use it to read books on, too small of a screen for that.

    I rarely talk on the phone. I hate talking on cell phones. Its always so loud and echo-y sounding. Even with volume down and good signal. Maybe I am just getting too old.

    My grandmother used to tell me when I was younger I was an old soul. Maybe she was right.

    I think in some ways modern technology has dumbed down us. So many kids are obese because they are too busy playing games. More and more are having less and less human interaction and that is scary.

    I guess its up to us to make sure our kids understand the value of the internet and the importance of human interaction.

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  27. My husband constantly gets on to me about all the text messages and Facebook notifications I get. I've been trying to disconnect more from my smartphone.

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  28. I think I rarely answer the phone when it rings. And only if it's a good friend or family.
    Estelle

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  29. I remember the days before cell phones. Now my phone is always with me. If it is ringing i feel like i have to answer it.

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  30. I used to talk on the phone all the time. Now it's mainly texting. What a world we've become. lol

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  31. I never really answer my phone unless I am at home, I just hit the ringer so it makes no noise. I too, unless it is my family.

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  32. I love this post, Tracie. I am the kind of person who rushes to the phone when it rings, I think I grew up that way. But then if I don't feel like talking or we're in the middle of things, etc. I don't answer. Honestly, I answer for my mom and my brother, always - even if it's just to say - I'll call you back in ten. But anyone else - it depends. And my husband rarely calls me, unless he's at work, in which case that's a definite. :)

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