From Tracie: -7PM Tom's Story

Saturday, May 15, 2010

-7PM Tom's Story

When I heard the statistic, that 1 out of every 4 girls and 1 out of every 6 boys in this country are molested as children... I cringed.  That's my go to reaction, it comes with anger and a heavy shot of frustration... I think it gets worse as I get older. I have hated myself, my family, one way or another, hated everyone, hated this whole fucked up world! I've laughed with folks, made a few of them laugh... and at the same time wonder if I would ever be normal like them? I have self medicated to bury the heaviness and cried at other times when I was sure no one was around to see.

When Tracie asked me if I'd like to submit a post for her blog-a-thon, I could not say no... not to this special lady. You see, some 8 or 9 years ago, before our daughter, actually before we were married, we set some ground rules about honesty. As I recall, there we were together, in my floor one evening, and hammering out our future and so on, we somehow digressed and began delving into our past a bit and discussing some rather intimate stories of our childhood, particularly the bad memories.

This was to be the first and last time I ever saw Tracie with this, literally horrifying look on her beautiful face. The conversation came to a screeching halt. She had hit a brick wall. In the interest of honesty, she wanted to tell me something that was hard for her to talk about and as she pulled back the curtain of time.....the details (I hate those details we are sure we have to include every single time we share our dark past. We scramble to get every last detail in order so we can somehow make sense of the shit. but it's still shit.) Oppressed as a little girl by an uncle she outlived, she had survived for so many years, and she was afraid of risking to much. I might reject her, but I tell you, I wanted her to get through with the whole story so I could hold her and tell her how much I loved her and how she was a victim and nothing that she suffered was her fault nor a reflection on her character. I wanted to let her know I believed in her and as we went on for hours, I started to realize that I was able to help her, to advise her with some authority...mainly because I knew how she felt, exactly at some times. Like I said earlier, I have hated myself, my family, and this world! I've made people happy, cause them to laugh, and at the same time wonder if I would ever be normal like them? I have self medicated to bury heavy emotions and cried at other times when I was sure no one was around to see. I spent many years since I was 11 wondering if I was gay, even though I liked girls. I even, to this day, sometimes wonder if I had some kind of mental problem, that my family was hiding something from me...(can you imagine that, every time someone jokingly calls me crazy, I smile and my thoughts get numb and I wonder if they are being serious?)

All I want to say is that as I have read some of the blogs from time to time that Tracie follows and watched her as the Lord has so restored her, us, and as we watch our daughter grow and give her  non-experiences (<---ponder the word I made up, you get my meaning), it's like what I think going up in a big balloon must feel like. Some of the most difficult posts have been so hard to read and to you who write them, I salute and call you champions for your straightforwardness and brutal honesty. You are my heroes. Thank You. Thank you Angela Shelton for not folding. I love you!

Tracie, thank you for helping me and loving me in spite of my past. I will never stop loving you. ~Tom

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